Ask me no questions

If I had one wish, it would not be for the ability to read minds or to be invisible. I wouldn’t even wish for all of the money in the world. I’d simply wish to relive one day of my life 5-years ago so that I could take back something so horrible that it is unforgivable. 

Sometimes a person can do something so wrong that there is no way to correct it. It’s like ringing a bell. Once you ring it and someone hears it, there is no taking it back. You can’t un-ring a bell. 

Five years ago I was young and the world was mine. I had the best friend that a guy could ever ask for and what made our friendship convenient was that he lived right across the street. Scotty and I had known each other all of our lives. On the day that I wish I could relive, Scotty and I where on a swing set in his backyard. It was a warm day during summer vacation. We had just finished or first year of high school and we where talking about how much different it was. We talked, looking forward to not being freshman anymore. We sat in on the swings and talked about how everything was about to change. 

I can still remember how exciting it all seemed. So many things where about to change and Scotty and I could hardly sit still as we contemplated the possibilities. Once school started, we could get works permits and look for jobs. By the second semester we could sign up for drivers education and get our permits. Scotty and I even decided that we should put our money together so that we could buy a car faster. We went everywhere together anyway. We’d just take turns driving. 

I had never seen Scotty so happy. He didn’t have a dad and I knew that his mom worked extra hard so that he could have nice cloths and stuff. Whenever my dad and I did “father – son” stuff, I made sure that Scotty was right there with us and my dad never questioned it. He didn’t have to. Scotty was like the brother I wish that I had to replace the one that I did have. I hated my brother and still do. We shared a bedroom back then and it was traumatic. His feet stunk up the whole room and he farted in his sleep. 

Scotty looked so happy by our conversation that I thought he was going to start crying. I was on cloud nine myself about the plans that Scotty and I where making. I had no idea that in the next five minutes our friendship would be over and none of these dreams would ever come to pass. 

“Man Scotty! You should see your face. You look so happy.” I said. Scotty said that he was happy, but what made him the happiest was that fact that I was his friend. 

“A friend to the end” I would always say, but then I would usually look down or away. It was difficult for me to say I nice things to Scotty without getting embarrassed. Even if they where true. Scotty was different. He could say whatever was on his mind and not be ashamed to say it. I can remember the very moment when I realized that I loved Scotty. I wasn’t in love with him. I just loved him and loved the fact that he was my friend. Scotty had told me that he loved me plenty of times and I’m only sorry that I never had the courage to say it back. I don’t know why, because it was the truth. I did love him. I loved him more then I loved my real brother. I still do. But I just wasn’t ready for this day to take place. Someone should have warned me because it’s not fair. I was just a fuckin kid!

I had just said something nice to Scotty and as usual I was looking down so that I didn’t get embarrassed and turn all red in the face. Then I felt Scotty put his hand on chain to my swing and pull it towards him. He kissed me on the cheek very close to my mouth.

“I’m falling in love with you Terry” I heard Scotty say. I froze because I knew my friend well enough to know that this wasn’t some sort of joke. I spent the next 30 seconds saying things to him that I will regret for the rest of my life. It was like a bad dream that I couldn’t control. I just remember walking to the side gate so that I didn’t have to go through his house when I left. When I reached the gate, I took one last look behind me. I saw Scotty lying in the dirt below his swing. He was crying and clutching his heart like he was in pain. Both of our swing where now empty, but still moving back and forth on there own. There was so much happiness on that stop just a minute ago. Now I’m walking away forever and Scotty lies in the dirt where all faggots belong. I remember thinking exactly that as I walked across his front lawn. I could still hear the Sound of Scotty crying even as I crossed the street. 

I spent the next hour on the phone telling anyone who would listen that Scotty was a fag. Whatever it was that made me go crazy was wearing off and I could feel the anger leaving my body just as fast as the sadness was arriving. I started to cry and couldn’t stop. I burst out of my room in tears to the total shock of my parents. They pleaded for me to tell them what was the matter, but I didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t have the time. I needed to be with Scotty. I needed to make sure he was okay and that he knew how sorry I was for the things that I said. I didn’t mean any of it. I remember crying as I walked out of my house with my parents hot on my heels. I got to Scotty’s front door and was still crying just as hard. I didn’t care what his mom would think. I’d worry about that later, I just needed to beg Scotty to forgive and take whatever punishment that I had coming.

I didn’t think my punishment would be to go away and never come back. My parents soon walked up behind me. They where just as shocked to hear Scotty’s mom telling me to never step foot on her property. My dad ordered me to go home and as I got to my front door I could see my parents going into Scotty house. I just went to my room and cried while I waited for my parents to return. I heard the door open and felt relieved that they might have news about Scotty.

Was he okay? When can I see him?

What I got was the shit beat out of me. My dad tossed me from one end of my room to the other.

“How could you do that to Scotty? What in the fuck is the matter with you?” My dad shouted. I knew it was serious. I had never heard my dad say the “F” word before. Everyday for the rest of that summer I called Scotty’s house at exactly noon hoping that he would talk to me. He never did and I eventually stopped calling.

The 10th grade came and went so quickly and all of it without a single word being spoken between Scotty and I. I had slipped notes into his locker and would hide myself someplace to be sure that he got them. He did get them, and then I’d watch him drop them into the closest trashcan without reading them. Soon the notes turned into letters that grew into versions that where several pages long. I didn’t give up on trying to apologize to Scotty but life had to go forward in the mean time. A new guy arrived on campus and I took advantage of the opportunity of his lack of friends. I quickly became his friend. As I had planned, he became my new best friend. His name was Todd and he was from Ft. Worth, Texas. 

It took me almost the entire school year to get him to stop wearing cowboy boots to school. Then I picked away slowly at other things like his big rodeo buckles, and his skintight jeans. By the time we started the 11th grade, I had Todd looking like a California boy, born and raised. He didn’t even say “y’all” anymore. That summer after the 11th grade Todd got a truck for his birthday. We went everywhere together and our friendship became one of give and take. When Todd and I where out alone, he could wear his cowboy shit without a negative word from my mouth. I even let him tune the radio in my car to K-FROG, a local country radio station. 

Todd and I started to really click. I remember the first signs of that brotherly feeling that I started to feel towards Todd. My plan worked, I have successfully replaced Scotty. I had a new best friend that I loved like a brother. Just like I had loved Scotty. However, I soon realized that something was wrong. Terribly wrong! Someone has tampered with the breaks because I couldn’t seem to get these feelings of love to stop at brotherly. They just kept on going and wouldn’t stop. My mind began to fill up with these images of Todd and I doing unspeakable things. It disgusted me, or so I thought. It was all very confusing because I found myself using these images that should have disgusted me to masturbate. But they did the opposite. They made me horny, desirous of things I didn’t have a clue about. 

I just hid these feelings deep inside and continued with my friendship with Todd. As the last year of high school was coming to an end, I had gone off the deep end and allowed some of these feeling to enter into my mind as fact. I accepted the fact that I did want to do these things with Todd, but I never would in real life. Therefore, I wasn’t a fag. I was just a guy that had dirty thoughts like a fag. 

I began to concede little by little so that I didn’t get crushed under the weight of all that I was feeling for Todd. He became all I could think about and now I was sorry that I had convinced him not to wear his skintight Wranglers to school. I would have to wait until the weekend to see that big bulge and that hot ass. On a hot summer night I took my own virginity by putting a decent size cucumber into my ass and sitting down in front of my computer. It was magic to feel so full back there while I masturbated. I shot the biggest load of my life that night and knew that I could no longer try to run from the truth. I was a full-blown faggot who liked it up the ass. I had resorted to devious measures to feed my sick desires. 

I had gotten a video camera for my 18th birthday. I planted the camera in the hamper in my bathroom on the nights that Todd stayed over. Finally on the sixth attempt I captured Todd in a private moment. I remember what torture it was to have to wait for Todd to leave so that I could review the videotape. How my heart would pound as I watched him hoping for some action. I had planted a dirty fuck-mag under the small rug in front of the toilet. I watch the video as my heart pounded. Todd lowered his sweats and boxers and sat down on the toilet. He immediately felt the bump under the rug and found the magazine. He smiled and shook his head like he had discovered something that he thought I was trying to keep a secret. I almost fainted when he started to masturbate. He was a big boy and a kinky jacker. He slipped his sweats and boxers all of the way off, then his tee shirt. Totally naked, he spread his legs and leaned back against the toilet tank and violated his cock with a vengeance.

I could hear the sound of his balls slapping. It was getting louder and Todd noticed it too. He stopped jacking his cock and I was crushed. To my shear delight, he got up and gave me a beautiful shot of his flawless butt cheeks while he adjusted the shower knobs. 

Todd sat back down and resumed beating his cock. I watched the expression on his face and nearly dropped a load right in my pants. His head was tilted back with his eyes closed. He bit his lip as he got up off of the toilet and got down on his knees in front of it. He lifted his balls up onto the rim of the toilet and stroked his cock with a slower twisting motion in his wrist. I knew exactly when he was going to cum because he did the same thing that I did when I’m on the verge of blowing. He slowed down just a little and then jerked forward a few times. He aimed his cock nearly straight up as the first shot burst from the tip. It looked like a white piece of thin rope as it flew about a foot into the air before splashing into the water below. Then another shot that went higher then the first. I was amazed at how much cum he let go of. I masturbated like crazy to that video. It didn’t take long for me to start thinking about Scotty again and what had happened almost 4 years ago in his back yard. Scotty was falling in love with me and he had the courage to tell me. He told me because I was his best friend and he trusted me. I could never escape the pain that I felt over the things that I said to Scotty. 

I resumed my efforts to establish communication with him and as all of the time before, they where rejected. My shear desire and horniness set me back on a course to seduce Todd somehow. On the next weekend I crashed at Todd’s house and he lead me into a conversation that eventually involved his discovery of the porno magazine under the rug in my bathroom. I knew that I could never tell him about the video, but I also learned something else about the pure honesty that exists in people like Todd and Scotty. I felt unworthy of anyone’s trust because it was never something to be protected. To me, it was just one more thing that I could violate. But I did want to change my ways. 

I remember the look on Todd’s face just before he told me about finding my porno- mag in my bathroom. He had the frightened look of uncertainty. Very much like Scotty did the day he said he was in love with me. I couldn’t believe that Todd actually felt guilty for not telling me sooner that he had found the porno mag. He said that he felt like he evaded my personal business. I played it off as if it wasn’t a big deal but made sure that he understood that I didn’t worry that that he had found it. I was just glad that it was he and not anyone else. He seemed partially relieved that I wasn’t mad.

“It’s okay Todd. I like to masturbate and I’ve been doing it for years. Is that a shock to you?” I side. Todd flashed that same smile that I had seen on the video. 

“No! I know that all guys beat off but know I know 100% for sure that you do it and you know that I do it. Doesn’t that seem weird to you?”

“Yeah, a little but once we talk about it more then it won’t seem so much like a deep dark secret.”

We spent the next 4 hours talking about masturbation. We both wanted to do it together right there on Todd’s bed. It took hours of talking to get there and it was worth every second. It was the following weekend when Todd let go of some really big secrets. A few of which pleased me to no end. 

I couldn’t wait to get off of work that Friday night. Todd would already be parked in front of my house by the time I go there. He hopped out of his car with his gym bag before I even pulled into my driveway. I was living in the converted garage by this time and we enter from the side door. I closed and locked the door behinds us and made sure that there where no cracks in the curtains. Five minutes later, Todd and I where as naked as the day we where born and masturbating to a porn video. I had no idea that we’d cross the line that night. It took me by surprise to say the least.

END PART ONE HERE...