Beginnings : Part VI

I sat at my desk, pen to paper, but I couldn’t concentrate on my homework. I kept thinking about Ryan. My arm still felt warm where he touched it. I thought about him laughing at me in gym class, about Mr. Jordan making him do pushups, and about how perfect his muscles flexed as he did them. I thought about his smooth tan skin, and both of us naked on the bed of his truck, both of us fucking in my dreams over and over. Ugh, what was I doing!? How could I even be thinking this when I had Michael, the guy of my dreams? I rubbed my arm, transfixed on the lingering sensation. My cellphone let out a loud ring and I jumped from the unexpected interruption. I looked at the screen.

RYAN.

His name displayed prominently across the front. “Shit!” I thought. The phone rang a second time.

I knew I’d answer it. I’d answer it and tell him that he shouldn’t be calling me, that’s what I’d say. I’d tell him I was with Michael and, well, he missed his chance is all. I was determined, resolved. The phone kept ringing. I picked it up.

“Mitchell, what are you doing?”

“Umm, I’m just doing my homework. Listen, Ryan, we need to talk…”

“Want to fuck?”

I paused, caught off guard. “No, look, about that…”

“Come on, Mitchell. I know you’ve been thinking about it. You want it, you jack off at night wanting my dick again.”

“How… how do you know that?” My voice gave. everything away.

“Because I’ve been thinking it too. Now how about it? I’m horny, and I’m close by.”

Close by?

“Where are you?”

“I’m outside your apartment, dude. Open the fucking door and let’s fucking screw.”

I slammed the phone shut. Outside my door? No way! He couldn’t be, he just couldn’t! I started down the hall, quickly glancing in at my mother. As always, she was passed out, an empty bottle of alcohol laying on the couch beside her, her legs propped unceremoniously across the couch. I reached the door and looked through the peep hole. There he was, standing with a big, arrogant grin across his face. The fucker. I wrenched the door open.

“What the hell?” I whispered. “Get the fuck out of my hallway.”

“That’s no way to treat your guest,” he snickered.

“Ugh!” I was so frustrated. I was trying to decide what to do—throw him out or let him in to talk—but before I could figure out which he pushed passed me and walked in.

“Nice place, Mitchell,” he said sardonically.

“Shh! My mom’s asleep! Go down the hall, my room is at the end.”
He raised an eyebrow and proceeded down the hall. I couldn’t help but watch him walk, his tight jeans hugging his perfect ass. Damn he was beautiful. I quietly shut the door and followed him, trying to focus on the back of his head, but my eyes kept glancing down. Once inside my room, I shut the door.

“Alright Ryan, what the fuck is this about?” I began to release all my anger at him in one long sentence. “Why are you in my apartment? Don’t you know I have a boyfriend? Do you even care? He’s coming here in a few hours to pick me up and we’re going out tonight. And you shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t be anywhere near here. And what was that at the gym? Why are you ignoring me, mocking me? Last time we talked you just wanted to fuck me and now…”

With one arm he grabbed my waist and pulled me right against him. With the other he took the back of my head and pushed my lips to his. His tongue shoved itself into my mouth and began exploring. I tried to push back and stop him, but he was so strong. I could feel his tongue brushing mine; I tried to resist, to stop him. He let go for a second and pulled away, letting me catch my breath. God, he smelled so good.

“WHAT THE HELL WAS…?”

But before I could finish, he grabbed me and kiss me again. And this time, I couldn’t fight it. His body, his strong, tight body, was just too much. I gave in, and as he pulled my shirt off, we collapsed together onto my bed.
----------------------
I was brushing my teeth frantically when my phone started to ring again. Ryan had left. We had had mind-blowing sex: sweaty, powerful, aggressive. It was better than any dream I’d had of him, any fantasy. But the aftertaste of guilt was almost overwhelming. I spat out the toothpaste in my mouth and checked my phone. It was Michael, and guilt felt like a heavy stone in my stomach. I answered.

“Hey baby,” he said cheerfully, “I’m ready to go when you are.”

“Great! I’ll get the next bus and meet you in town in half an hour.” I tried to sound happy, like nothing had happened. That Michael seemed oblivious ripped into me.

“Can’t I just pick you up at home? If you just tell me where you live, I could drive over and…”

“No, it’s okay,” I cut him off. “If you come by, my mom will want to meet you, and she’ll talk your ear off. It’ll take like twice as long before she’ll let us go. Let’s just save time and meet in town.”

“Okay, whatever you say. I’ll see you soon, babe.”

He hung up. I stood there, staring at the phone, his name flashing over and over on the screen until it went black again. There was no way I’d tell Michael, the rich boy with his beautiful mansion, where I lived. He’d leave me in a second if he saw the sad excuse for an apartment that I had, or met my mother—if she could even stay awake long enough to talk. And, I thought, what if he saw my bed, smelled Ryan in the sheets? What if some sense of Ryan still lingered, something that would expose me? I could imagine Michael’s face as he realized what I’d done, and the agony I saw in my mind sent a fresh wave of guilt through me. I shuddered.

A few minutes left until I had to leave, I grabbed the toothpaste for another aggressive round of brushing my teeth. I wanted to remove the taste, the smell, every bit of Ryan from my body. But I could still feel him inside me; my skin tingled as I remembered his muscled body sliding across mine. I started brushing my teeth furiously.

“Where are we going?” I asked. I was axious; I hated riding in cars ever since I was young.

Michael laughed. “I’m not telling. Just wait.”

I went back to staring out the window. The lights of our town streaked past. The people walking around were blurs. I found if I moved my eyes just fast enough on someone, they became clear for one second, before descending into the darkness behind us. I thought it someone analogous, how we each get a fleeting moment in life, only to fall back into distant memory, forgotten by everyone and everything. Only the rare few would ever stand out after they were gone from this world. I felt a sense of foreboding, almost like I was delving into something important for the future, but I couldn’t grab hold of that thought before it dissipated.

Half an hour later the sun had long since gone away and we had left town altogether. We were in the mountains, driving higher and higher, darkness on all sides. I didn’t say anything and neither did Michael; we just held hands and enjoyed the silence. Finally, he pulled the car off to the side of the road.

“We’re here!”

“Great.. uhh, where is here?”

He laughed. “Come on.” He opened his door and got out, while I followed in behind him. Immediately I saw what I had missed inside the car. We were quite a ways off the main road, having taken a short path, and had stopped on a long, dark cliff high up in the mountains. A light breeze blew across my skin, and in the darkness countless stars shone down from above. Only a few whispy clouds hung in the sky, lit by the fullness of the moon. Far, far below us, I could see the distant lights of my tiny town, and even a couple more towns even farther in the distance. It was breathtaking. Michael took my hand, and pulled me forward, to a rock near the edge, and we sat down. He put his arms around me silently, while I drank in the scene. It was like the story I was forced to read in Ms. Beal’s class: two heroes standing on a cliff, knowing they had to take on the world. Only we weren’t heroes, we were just two boys. And we weren’t taking on the world, we were just trying to get by in it.

“I used to come here a lot when I was younger,” he finally said, breaking our solitude. “When I needed a place to get away to… when things were harder, when I was lonely.”

I wondered what had been hard for him. Rich, smart, beautiful… how could someone like him ever be lonely? All I said though was, “Oh.”

He squeezed me tighter. “Before you came along, I was up here a lot. My family was fighting, my sister had run away from home… things were tough.”

“Fighting? Your family is, like perfect. How can they fight?”
He laughed. “No family is perfect. Hell, they’re not even my family really.”

“What do you mean?”

“They’re my adopted parents. Well, god-parents really. My real parents died a few years ago in a car crash. And the people I live with now, they took me in. They didn’t really want to, already having three kids and all that, but where else would I go?”

“I, I had no idea…. I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay. It’s been long enough that it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. But it’s hard—if my family found out what I am, who I am, or about us… that would be the end of it. They’re not mean, but they already don’t want me around. I think they’d be glad for a reason to get rid of their big burden.”

I was shocked. I had always thought Michael was from the ideal family, happy and perfect in every way. I could sense the gap between us closing just a little. We were two people struggling to stay afloat amidst the maelstrom fate provided. I turned to look at him and saw his eyes watering over. His arms were wrapped around my waist, so I placed my hands and held them tight. He blinked rapidly, fighting his tears.

“I’m glad I have you, Jake.” In a flash I remembered Ryan, and guilt ripped through me, like a wound ripped open again. I didn’t say a word, just held him tight.

That night I slept with Michael for the first time. I was looking at him, filled with awe at his beauty, and suddenly I needed him so desperately. The whole world was crazy, our families fucked up, our lives upside down, and I just wanted to hold him and feel something stable amidst all the chaos. I turned my body around so I sat on all fours and kissed him deeply. He leaned back, his arms still wrapped around me, and I lay on top of him. We took off our clothes in silence, only breaking our kiss for a moment. I wanted to give him pleasure, to make up for the pain I knew I would cause him someday. I felt his hard dick between the two of us. I reached down, pushed it so it pointed straight up, and sat onto it, taking him inside me. His eyes were closed, lost in the moment’s pleasure while I rocked back and forth.

With him inside me, I felt like some missing part of me was finally there. I leaned down and kissed him. He held my hips in place and fucked me, our faces inches from each other, our eyes never breaking our stare. When he came, he closed his eyes and cried out. I felt him shoot into me and with that feeling Icame too. We were finished, but he stayed inside me. We kissed, our tongues dancing, and when even that was finished we just lay there together, feeling complete.
No, we aren’t heroes at all, I thought. But we are fighters. We have shit lives and shit luck, but we have each other, and maybe that’s all we need.