Changes 2: TORN

One
“I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin for
It’s gonna be a bright, bright
Sun-Shiny day…”

My name’s Mark and this last year has been a crazy ride. Five months ago I tried to kill myself and had the craziest dream that my best friend Matt (sexy God Matt) was gay too and was in love with me. When I snapped back to reality the dream ended up being real. Now life is better than ever; before I had trouble accepting myself as gay, but now I had the support of both my parents and Matt; perfect, gorgeous, sexy, hot Matt, who was now my boyfriend.
Of course none of our friends or anyone else knows were dating, except Charlie, who realized he was gay after making out with Matt five months back, and Brian, my next door neighbor who was also at the time my fuck buddy.

After telling him that I was with Matt he stopped going at my house, and stopped talking to me altogether. I haven’t really tried talking to him either, how could I think of anyone else but Matt.
Matt on the other hand, hasn’t told anybody, and when we go out we don’t even touch for fear that someone might see us and tell his parents. We’re pretty sure his dad would go crazy if he ever found out. He was in politics and was a real conservative and closed minded guy. Something like his son being gay would ‘ruin his image’.

But trying not to touch each other was impossible; every time I saw him I just wanted to fuck him; which is why we spend almost all of our time at my house. My parents know were dating and couldn’t be happier. Since I came out to them my mom wanted nothing else but for me to be happy and in love, now I was. And my dad always loved Matt because he was into sports and cars, unlike me.

Life was perfect, almost too perfect.

I thought all this as I rested my head on Matt’s hard chest. We finished eating half an hour earlier and decided we we’re going to take a nap, but neither of us was asleep; we just lay on the bed quietly playing with each other’s hand. I felt his smooth skin and wrapped my fingers around his hand; he did the same. He slowly moved his fingers towards the scar on my wrist and gently traced it with his index finger.

We never talked about it but I knew it hurt him; I wasn’t sure if it was because he never wanted to lose me or if he felt guilty that it had to do with him. I liked to think it was the first one.

“I love you” he said quietly in his sexy voice. My chest felt warm and tingly as I moved my body to kiss his lips. It started as a gentle kiss but every time I touched him I couldn’t be enough, it was like if I was trying to make him enter my body so I could have him forever.

I love music and believe that my life is a movie and every day I have my own soundtrack, and as I kissed Matt the “Come what may” song from Moulin Rouge came to my mind.

“Want to vanish inside your kiss, every day I love you more and more. Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings”

As I moved so I would be on top of him and I kissed him more intensely my head skipped to the chorus “Come what may I will love you… until the end, of time” Without even realizing it I started humming as I kissed him.

Matt broke the kiss and rolled his eyes “The only thing cornier than that song is that movie”

“Shut up” I smiled as I gently punched his chest and rolled off of him and headed to the computer.

“Tiffany bitched the other day ‘cause we haven’t fucked in a while” Matt said casually from the bed as I turned on the computer.

“Well we wouldn’t want your girl to get mad… guess you should fuck her then” I said cynically without turning to see him.

I heard him get up from the bed and walk towards me.

“I know” he whispered in my ear as he put his arms around me. “That’s why I’m not fucking her. I don’t my girl to get mad” he chuckled.

“Fuck you!” I said laughing and trying to hit him but he held me tighter and started kissing my neck.

“You’re gonna get me hard” I said with my eyes closed as he started licking my earlobe.

“That’s the point” he said in a deep and even sexier voice. Truth was I was already hard, it didn’t take much effort to do it.

“Seriously I gotta do the lit essay. WE have to do the lit essay”

“Argh fine. I’ll go get my laptop from the car” he said as he walked out of the room.

I smiled as I wrote my email password on the computer. There were a bunch of forwards and one email that had no name and no subject. I had never seen an email without a name.

I thought it might be a virus after I clicked on it. The email opened and a picture appeared on the white screen. A picture of me and Matt kissing.

I scrolled down to see if there was any text but there wasn’t. I scrolled back up to see the address and there was none. As I heard Matt closing the car door and then lock it I noticed that I wasn’t the only one who received the email.

My heart beat slow and my body went cold as I read the other address: Ebard@yahoo.com.

Matt’s last name was Ebard but his email account was Matt_10, which meant another member of his family received the picture…Jacob Ebard.

Matt’s father.

Two

“FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, SHIT!” Matt panicked as he paced around the room after I told him what I found.

“Oh my god, oh god” he said as he sat on the bed with his head buried in his hands. I sat petrified on my chair; I didn’t know what to say. There was nothing I could do to make him feel better.

“God he’s gonna kill me. Oh my god, god, FUCK. Who would do that? How could-“ he started crying. I sat next to him and put my arm around him.

“Don’t” he pulled away. I sat quietly beside him as he placed his hands over his eyes. His leg was shaking. “Shit” he whispered to himself.

“Who took it?” he asked shaking his head.

“Matt maybe-“ I started but he violently got up from the bed.

“It’s your fucking fault! I told you! Fucking told you not in public!” he paced again while looking at me with hateful eyes. His glare felt like cold stabs.

“I can’t be gay.. It’s your fault! Just because you tried to kill yourself” he yelled the words I knew someday would come, and for the first time in months I felt a deep and painful hole in my chest.

“I can’t do this” he went to the window and shook his head. “I can’t do this” he whispered. I sat on the bed, trying desperately not to cry as the hole expanded and a knot took hold of my throat.

“Fuck” he said banging his head against the window.

Funny how in seconds your entire world can crumble down, and pain makes happiness seem so far away.

“I have to go” he said without looking at me. I started crying the second he shut the door behind him.

**

I banged my head against the steering wheel. How could I say that to Mark, I loved him and nothing was his fault.

FUCK! Who took the fucking picture? Why fuck FUCK! My body felt cold and my hands were shaking; I felt angry, scared and guilty at the same time, I have never felt anything like it. I begged it wasn’t real, that it wasn’t happening. My dad will never be cool like Mark’s parents. I can never go home again, but I can’t stay here… what if he hurts Mark, I’d rather die than let anything hurt Mark.
But I had hurt him already. He was worried and he loves me and I said those things..

I stopped thinking and rushed out the car and back inside Mark’s house. His parents weren’t home but they’d be back any minute now, and soon I’d have to go home.

I ran up the stairs and opened Mark’s door to find him still sitting on the bed. He turned to see me with red eyes.

“I’m sorry, I’ m so sorry” I said as I rushed to hug him. I felt better when he hugged me back.

“I didn’t mean any of it. I love you so much” I said and he hugged me tighter.

My body was a mess so I pushed him so I could rest my head on his chest. I wrapped my legs around his and my arm around his waist as he held me close to him.

I stared at the dark computer screen in front of me and thought of the picture inside, the picture waiting to be seen by my dad.

“Fuck” I thought as I closed my eyes. My head lifting slightly with every breath Mark took.

We probably stayed like that for about half an hour but time seemed to stop. I got up from the bed when Mark’s parents got home, which meant it was some time between 7.30 and 8 o ‘clock.

My body wasn’t shaking anymore and I felt a lot calmer, now I only felt like I was being pulled down by my chest.

“You can stay here If you want” Mark said gently.

I smiled wearily and shook my head “I have to get home someday” He got up from the bed and walked over to me. He kissed me and grabbed my hand.

He stood inches away from me, holding my hand and looking into my eyes. He didn’t say anything but he didn’t have to.

Nothing could be as bad if I had someone like Mark.

**
I stood holding Matt’s hand, looking deep into his eyes. They looked sad and loving and the same time, I wanted to help him somehow but I couldn’t. Matt smiled and kissed my cheek, he let go of my hand and walked out. I followed him silently down the stairs.

“Hey boys” My mom said from the kitchen as we went down the stairs. She greeted Matt with a kiss when we were in the kitchen and my dad shook his hand. Matt smiled to them but his eyes were still sad.

“Leaving early today?” my dad asked him.

“Yeah… I have to get home” he said looking down. My mom shot me a questioning look. “See you later” he smiled and walked out the kitchen. I walked out with him to his car.

“I uh… I’ll call you later” he said and then turned to go to the driver’s seat of the car, but stopped and said in an almost whisper “I love you”. I smiled and waved goodbye.

As I watched him drive off I prayed his dad wouldn’t hurt him.