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I never knew what I was getting into when I went into my first gay chat room,
the difference my life would be just by pressing the “confirm” button. I do
wonder what my life would be like if i never went into it.. Would I be happy?
... Would I be stupid... would I even be gay? And I know what you will say
throughout this story “it’s only online” but before you read this I want you to
know that although it is online you can still love someone ... pour your soul
into someone...be like they are in the same room with you. I know it’s stupid
but you need to remember on the other side of that webcam is a real person not
just a moving picture. – 100% TRUE
I was 18, I was online on a webcam chat room going through people with their
cocks hanging out and suddenly there lay a handsome boy, he was around 21 , jet
black hair, decent body but amazingly deep blue eyes, My heart fell for him
instantly and suddenly he paid and interest in me.
“Hey baby how you are” (me)
“I’m ok thank you, you’re really cute”
“What can I call that handsome face?”
“I’m Jamie.. And you”
“I’m Chris”
Anyway the conversation flowed for hours and hours and before I knew it the
sunlight was peaking through my windows and the room was filled with the sound
of birds tweeting (nice to listen to but at 6am you want to shoot them!)
“Hey baby (got that connected so quick I called him baby) will u be on tomoz”
“Yes of course you my priority now”
At high school the time never ticked so slowly as I counted every minute, a
soon as the bell rang I ran home, sprinted as quick as I could down the streets,
the alleyways and even through a shop, I couldn’t breathe but I forgot all that
and my face lit up when I saw him online
“Hey babe you ok” (me)
“omg this day has gone so quick iv missed u so much”
“awww bless I want to do medicine”
“yes I am at university.. Studying engineering”
“awww we could live together”
“Forever?”
“Yes!!!!!!! It would stop this torment of being away from you”
“Would we sleep together”
“Yes! ... but your beds only a single”
“thats ok! It means we will have to cuddle much tighter”, this made my heart
race and give me shivers for the first time.
I know this is silly considering its online but like I said when you are
talking for hours every day on webcam you get connected, as time went on we got
more and more connected and it must have been 3 months we were talking when
suddenly he told me
“baby iv got some bad news - iv got to go on holiday and I won’t be back for
1 week but i promise I’ll be back at 4am this time next Sunday I swear”
Every day seemed like years.. Every minute seemed like days but my mind was
set on the date and time he gave me, at school I was watching the clock, at home
i was restless and after years Sunday finally came.
“Hey baby u ok.. How was your holiday!”
“Ok thanks”
“What did you do”
“Nothing really brb babe going to have dinner”
I waited and waited for hours but I never did see Jamie again, after waiting
thought days I finally googled what the grey question mark meant and I found out
he blocked and deleted me. This made me cry allot because he was my first love
and although it was all fairytale he was my first ever online gay friend... You
could even call us boyfriends.
Time passed as I healed and got distracted from Jamie by high school.. new
friends, I occasionally went on the site but it was full of people wanting sex
but i wanted more! I wanted romance!. Eventually after some months past I met
another person. He was beautiful inside and out, I nearly cry just writing this
to you, he had black hair and tanned skin.. he was 23 but looked 18, We got
talking but after a while he had a confession.. He was scared, I asked “why” and
he simply said
because “I’m falling in love with a 18 year old”
This melted my heart so much and we talked all day every day, Even talking
about sex he said how he would make me feel so special as it would be my first
at sex, he would have a bath with candles, sit me on his lap and I would simply
have to relax as he supports me and washes my chest. Then we dry and he spends
hours massaging me and then making love to me. This would have made my life and
it still would, you don’t know how rare those personalities are, We talked so
much he fall sleep on webcam and I would spend about ten minutes before I would
go but delightfully I would wake up to a LONG email how he was sorry
“Hey baby I’m so sorry I fell asleep!... I love you so much I thought of u
today... can’t wait to speak to you tonight! .If you was here you’d come home
and receive a cuddle and a kiss followed by a homemade dinner”
We fell in love so much; we send each other letters and many emails. We even
priced up and arranged to go to his house, but again I came home and he blocked
me... Blocked me on facebook and blocked me on email, I can still visualise him
and he was the best.. But I still wonder why he left.. Was it because he didn’t
want me or was it because he was scared he was in love with me?. I was shaking
all day I couldn’t even drink a glass of milk and I cried all night.
To get over him I found allot of mates ... some were 14 somewhere 35 but all
were mates and interesting, we talked for our as mates.. Some were directors,
some are accountants and some were managers but it gave me a good insight to
their lives.... but again we don’t talk anymore.. Some can’t talk because they
have started a family and some are making real friends but most delete me.
Finally after a whole I did meet one final lad, he was AMAZING and when I say
amazing I struggle to put it into words, I spend 6 months of my life with him
getting so attached with him, We used to talk on the phone all night about
anything ranging from our day to our lives together
“So where do you want to live baby... I like the country”
“Baby to be honest anywhere... As long as I’m with you my life is complete”
“Hey baby I want to marry you... I want to be truthful and call myself
Michael Love”
“Omg really?”
“Baby my life is complete with you and u is my dream”
I eventually met his parents on webcam and he met mine.. I even came out to
my family and parents as gay due to him, the hardest thing a gay has to ever do
but I didn’t give a shit because I was in love. He was my soul mate. My mobile
ran out and I spent £250 on calls in one go .. for you Americans over there
that’s about $302 but we spoke for hours and hours. I got shouted at majorly
because the money was coming out of my bank account but who cares again I WAS
TRUELY IN LOVE!.
A couple of weeks later I we texts and rang on the phone all the time but
after 6 month I received his texts got less but i thought this was natural
because he was spending all his money due to so many texts!. That evening I got
a text at 11pm from him.
“hey babe I want a break”
That text never angered me so much not just because he text me he wants a
break of course that’s ok because we are a couple but what angered me was two
things, firstly he didn’t talk about it but secondly i spent “250 on calls to
him and he ends it with a 2 pence text.
After that, things went bad... he cheated on me 3 times and dumped on my 5
times... My world literally ended, I even found myself in a bedroom with sum
tape and a plastic bag preparing myself..... Well I’ll let you figure that out
but if you can’t...... suicide. We did come together 5 times but this lasted for
a day if that and the last one I was that desperate I wanked with him... sent a
text later
“We’re over”
I cried every night and due to him was a empty deeply depressed shell. Days
turned into weeks my soul was just beginning to heal like healing a large wound
but then my phone vibrated
“Hey I realise I was wrong and you are a big part of my life... want to be
mates?”
I felt sickened because this just ripped open my healing wound in my soul and
he had the nerve to say that, I know he did all this and your probably thinking
delete and block him!. But like I said he was my world and just because he
dumped me doesn’t mean he isn’t, like i said before i loved him. I still have
his number in my phone now; I loved him and if there was a 0.001% chance to get
back together I was going to take it. But as soon as I said yes he didn’t want
to know me and ignored me again.
Even though all this was online I still get flashbacks of all and every
moment i got and its slowly going away but when I get stressed this slowly gets
worse, iv gone from a young innocents boy who thought the world was shining to a
person who’s just simply.. Tired, I have fancied people and been in
relationships but it’s not shining as it was at the start... I’m just waiting
for them to dump me again because it will happen. I am getting better but I am
still getting flashbacks still.
A boy in need of a cuddle scarred. Thank you for listening to my life. Chris
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