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I could be with hundreds of people and still feel alone, my friends surrounded me, laughing, joking, having fun. I rested my head on my hand and stared blankly into space. Kyle patted me on the shoulder, his touch scared me and broke my train of thought, I jerked my head suddenly to look at him, “What’s up with you tonight?” He spoke quietly so that nobody else could hear him, Kyle was my best friend, we had always been friends, since I can remember really, now we were twenty and still best friends. We had both changed quite a lot. Kyle had gone from being a small boy to a good looking man, he was always there for me when I needed him, and I was there when he needed me. Although lately, it felt like it was constantly him that had to look after me. I confessed to him a couple of months ago that I was confused in myself, that I didn’t know who I was anymore and that… well.. I thought I was gay.

Kyle took the news better than I did, he did the cool guy best friend thing and said it wouldn’t change anything, and it hadn’t, he still treated me the exact same. But I had changed, I looked at myself in a different way now, and I looked at other guys in a different way, instead of just taking no notice of them, I found myself staring at their ass as they passed me, or wondering what it would feel like to touch them. I hated it. “The same as usual” I replied to Kyle with my new found constantly depressed tone. I had been unhappy to say the least recently. “Liam, you’ve gotta come to terms with this dude, it doesn’t change who you are, you’re still the same person. Now come on, have fun.” Kyle had been trying endlessly to cheer me up with no success, I could tell he didn’t like seeing me like this. “Yeah, I’ll try” I tried to put on a smile, aiming to put his mind at rest, through the rest of the night I tried joining in with the group, trying my best to enjoy what was left of the night. I had a few drinks and by the end of the night I felt a little more upbeat, I found myself quite dizzy and unable to walk in a straight line. Eventually the last of our friends stumbled out of our flat.

Kyle and I lived together in an apartment in the city. Once everyone had gone Kyle pulled of his shirt revealing his perfectly toned body. It made me sick that I even found myself looking at Kyle in this way, I watched as his arm muscles flexed as he pulled his shirt over his head leaving his shiny black hair ruffled and messy. I watched as he disappeared into his room. Taking a look around at the mess which would need to be cleaned up tomorrow I turned of the lights and headed to my room which was next to Kyle’s. I pulled of my shirt and slid of my trousers. I stood for a moment, looking at my body, wondering how I had gotten to this point, how the normal little boy ended up being a young man heading towards self destruction. Failing to find an answer I slid of my boxers and climbed into bed, it was a warm night and the sheets were already clinging to my body, I pulled the covers back so that only from my waist down was covered. Suddenly my door opened and I seen Kyle standing in nothing but his boxers, “Hey, Liam, I was thinking, we’re going out tomorrow night, and no matter what I say, promise you’ll do it, okay?” Kyle stared at me awaiting some kind of reaction, “Sure, whatever you say dude, night” “Cool, don’t forget, you promised, night”. Kyle closed my door and a few seconds later I heard him close his own. I was left, lying on my own, in the dark, wondering what I had just promised to do.

The next day dragged in as I waited to find out what Kyle had planned. Finally night came, Kyle had told me to get ready and make myself look sexy. I laughed when he said that but he argued he was serious. I was fixing my blonde hair when Kyle stepped into my room wearing tight fitting jeans and a plain black top. I looked up at him before getting up and walking out past him, like Kyle I was wearing tight jeans but I also wore a shirt. We left the apartment near ten. Kyle drove since only he knew where we were going. We passed all the clubs I recognised and I wondered where else there could be to go. Kyle stopped in a car park, just a small walk away from a busy street in the centre of the city. When I stepped out of the car I could hear music already. Kyle locked the car before taking the lead again, we walked in silence for a few minutes before stopping outside a club I didn’t recognize.

The place looked decent anyway, the music inside was loud, just the way I liked it. The security man at the door gave us an approving nod, but then eyed us carefully as we entered, once we were inside everything changed. Men filled the bar, dancing, laughing, talking, kissing. All I could see was topless guys…everywhere. Kyle had taken me to a gay bar. “Kyle, let’s go, this isn’t funny” I pleaded with Kyle to leave feeling incredibly uncomfortable, however while I spoke I found my eyes wondering around the room. “It’s not supposed to be funny Liam, I think this could help you.”. I found myself barely listening to Kyle, I was too busy gazing around the room, enjoying the wide range of entertainment on offer. Kyle and I picked a table in the corner where I could try to adjust to the shock of men, everywhere and calm myself, my eyes continued to shift around the room, I couldn’t decide where to look next, almost like when there’s loads of programmes on TV you want to watch and you just can’t pick one. That was until I saw him. My eyes eventually fell upon the bar, under the bright lights the most beautiful man I had ever seen sat quietly sipping at a drink, he didn’t seem to be enjoying himself, in fact, he seemed to feel just as awkward as I did.

He looked like he was in deep thought, he didn’t look upset but he didn’t look like the other men, they were laughing and smiling at each other while he sat on his own, a blank expression on his face while he continued to just sip at his drink. He had short, light brown hair, I couldn’t tell what colour his eyes were but it didn’t matter, they were the brightest eyes I had seen and in the dark club they shone like stars at midnight. Suddenly I seen a man tap him on the shoulder before disappearing through a door behind the sexy stunning stranger. He put his drink down before looking up at the barman, the barman smiled at him weakly before rubbing his shoulder, as if he was showing sympathy, I watched desperately as got up and left his drink, disappearing through the door after the man who had tapped him on the shoulder. I chatted with Kyle while I watched the door, waiting for my new interest to re-emerge, after what felt like a lifetime, which turned out to be twenty minutes actually, the man who had tapped him on the shoulder came back through the same door, I could see his face clearly now, he was an older man, not exactly attractive. A few seconds later my face lit up as my new friend came back into sight. He sat down again in his original spot and swallowed the remainder of his drink before putting his head in his hands. I saw the barman approach him again and lay his hand on his shoulder.

I told Kyle I was going to get drinks and quickly walked towards the bar. The barman turned to me and smiled. “Two vodka and cokes please”. The beautiful man lifted his head at the sound my voice and looked at me, I could see his eyes were red, he had been crying, in fact he looked exhausted. He stared at me for a second, “Are you okay” I asked, trying not to sound curious or strange at taking an interest in the stranger. “Yeah thanks, just having a tough night at work”. “Join the club bro, I’m Liam”. For the first time he smiled, “I’m Brad”. I felt a familiar hand on my shoulder before hearing Kyle announce he was going next door to have a quiet drink, I didn’t object, for the first time enjoying the atmosphere. Brad opened his mouth to say something when another man approached him from behind and tapped his shoulder in the same way the other man had, when this happened I seen brad’s face turn even more upset, his eyes seemed to water and panic was written all over his face. “Sorry” He whispered before disappearing through the door which he had gone through earlier.

I sat on my own for the next ten minutes before Brad emerged, this close I could see him more clearly, he opened the door and stepped out, he took a quick look around before fixing his shirt and pulling up his zip. I stared at him in disbelief, trying to make some sense of the situation. Brad lifted his head, revealing his beautiful face and realised I was staring at him. He sat down again and repeated “Like I said, tough night at work”. Brad lowered his head fully in shame. “This is what you do, you get paid for…” “Please, don’t say it” Brad looked even more upset now that I had realised. “I know it’s wrong, but I don’t have a choice”.

I got up, unsure whether or not to walk away, I knew I should leave, but something drew me back to Brad, I approached him and sat on the seat next to him. “Quit, listen I don’t know you, but you’re better than this, I can tell”. “I can’t quit, I need the money” I could hear the desperation in his voice when he said that, his voice broke slightly, he looked ashamed. “Listen, no amount of money can be worth this, sometimes we have to make difficult decisions, but we have to deal with the consequences, we have to hang in there, because no matter how bad things are… they will get better” I wasn’t sure if I was giving him advice, or coming to a realisation myself, I had my own problems. I laid my hand on his shoulder, “Come on, lets get outta here” I tried to sound optimistic, trying to provide Brad with some hope. He put on a coat which had been hung over the back of his chair before leaving with me. We walked through some empty streets, sometimes we talked, and other times we walked in silence, both of us deep in thought about our own lives. Finally we arrived at a small bench, overlooking a small lake.

I wasn’t sure how far we had walked, the sounds of the busy city now seemed distant and quiet, instead of music booming through the air it was now only a small background noise. “My friend tricked me into coming here tonight, thought it would help me come to terms with the fact I’m gay.” I chuckled at admitting that to someone I just met. Brad looked at me with concern in his eyes. “Oh, you’re new to the whole finding guys attractive thing” I laughed, surprised that Brad somehow maintained a sense of humour after tonight. “Yeah, I guess I am. I just, never thought I would turn out gay, I just don’t know what to make of the whole thing to be honest, I hate the way I look at guys now, and I hate myself for allowing the thoughts to be in my head”. I looked down at my lap, suddenly I seen Brads hand on my thigh, his gentle touch brought a feeling of warmth and security to me. I turned and looked at him, unable to take my eyes of his, gradually, everything began to fade out of sight, it was like the sounds had been muted and all I could see and hear was Brad, slowly he leaned towards me, never breaking eye contact, until he touched my face, then I closed my eyes before feeling his soft lips touch mine, the feel of his wet lips sent shivers down my spine. I didn’t want this to end but at the same time I hated myself for this. After a few seconds I came to my senses and pushed him of me. I got up and turned around, then started running, I didn’t know where I was going, but as long as it was away from Brad, it didn’t matter.

**************************************************************

BRAD’S VIEW

I sat for a second, unable to believe what had just happened, in my job, I had fucked more guys than I can count, but that was the first time I had actually enjoyed touching someone, and I wasn’t going to let go that easily, I got up and ran after Liam, desperately calling after him, I sprinted as fast as I could, then suddenly, after entering a forest, he disappeared, I kept running before tripping over something I tumbled down a hill quickly, hitting several rocks on my way down before coming to a rest next to Brad, he had fallen down the same hill, he lay facing upwards panting heavily, without thinking I rolled on top of him pinning him down to the ground, he looked up at me speechless. “Sorry, I thought you wanted me to kiss you” “I did, but, I just, I dunno I cant do this” Liam seemed upset at what he had done. “Yes you can, Liam theres nothing wrong with being gay, I went through denial too, pretending you like girls, denying yourself thoughts about guys, trust me, it doesn’t work, please, let me help you”. I sighed before rolling off Liam and staring up at the stars. “It’s not that easy Brad, I don’t want to be gay, I don’t want to look at guys the way I do, I wish I could just be normal, I hate being this way, it scares me”.

I turned my head to look at him, he looked frightened and his bottom lip quivered as he spoke. “Then let me help you, things get better I promise”. “Ok, but only if you let me help you too, quit that place” Liam had a hint of hope in his voice, its strange how we just met each other, but we wanted the best for each other like we had been friends for years. “You don’t understand”. I didn’t want to keep the secret from Liam, but I had to. “Then explain it to me”, Liam was persistent, that was the first thing I learned about him”. “Some other time maybe, we should go now”. We got up and dusted each other down before starting our walk back to the bar. I gave him my phone number and hugged him goodbye. Liam went to get his friend and I started walking home, well, actually, if home is where the heart is, I had no idea where I was going. Still, I walked back to my apartment, greeted by the reminder of why I worked the way I did, why I needed the money, and why I wouldn’t quit.

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