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I pulled the knot in my black tie up wriggling it slightly so it fitted into place perfectly. I looked at myself in the mirror, I barely recognized myself in my crisp white shirt, my black trousers with a neat crease in the legs, my black tie hanging over my chest. My eyes were bloodshot and any sparkle which had been left in them had been drained by recent events. I looked pale, stroked my white, thin face wondering how long it would take to return to it’s normal tanned tone, longing for my usual rosey red cheeks. I frowned, cringing as my forehead wrinkled. “You alright?” I stopped frowning when I heard Liam’s voice coming behind me, I checked my tie in the mirror one last time before turning to face him, he looked different in a suit, beautiful as always but in a different way. “Yeah I’m fine.” I said, my voice less than convincing. “You know Liam, it means a lot that you’re coming with me today, considering we just met, I mean..” Liam started towards me and put his hands on my shoulders, his head tilted towards mine, the space between us decreasing by the second. “You don’t need to thank me, I want to be there for you through this, you know I do.” I closed my eyes instantly as I felt his lips planted gently on my nose. “Thank you.” I said it anyway, I was grateful to him for sticking with me through all this shit, most other guys would have ran a mile when they heard how much baggage I came with.

Liam took my hand and lead me outside, the cold air nipped at my face and I shivered as we stepped outside, it was a cold day and it seemed to match how I felt, the sky was grey and everything from the grass to the houses looked dull. We got into the back of the taxi. Liam gave the middle aged, nearly bald man driving while I stared blankly out the window, oblivious to Liam gently rubbing my leg. I felt Liam shake me, forcing me to snap back to reality from my daydream. “We’re here.” He said solemnly. I looked at him blankly, unaware of the surroundings. I opened the door of the taxi and glanced around grimly, the sky was almost black with the clouds cast overhead, ready to unleash a torrent of rain on this miserable day. The tall gates to the church creating a powerful, intimidating presence about the grey stoned building. Liam paid the taxi driver while I observed the distant figures moving outside the church.

I studied the headstones on the graves as Liam and I walked towards the grand building. The names meant nothing to me, but I empathized with the families of these people. Philip Jackson, 1960 – 2011. Paula Black, 1920 – 2010, beloved daughter and wife. Brian O’Connor, 1935 – 2007. “Hello Brad, so sorry for your loss.” Said an old man I didn’t recognize. I only acknowledged Liam’s voice. “Brad, this man is expressing his sympathy.” He said, urging me to respond to the man who was staring at me questioningly. I didn’t bother replying, he wasn’t there when we needed him, whoever he was, so he couldn’t be that sorry could he? I walked past the man and into the church, the idle chatter among those sitting among the rows of benches dying down as soon as I entered the hall, it took a few minutes for the echoes to die down.

I dandered towards the front where a minister looked on solemnly, watching me as I approached him. Occasionally I exchanged awkward glances with people who had craned their necks, hoping to catch a glimpse of “poor Brad”, “Lonely Brad”. They turned away quickly when I looked at them, probably feeling ashamed of giving into their curiosity to look at the state I was in. The minister smiled at me warmly when I was finally stood in front of him. He extended his hand as I limply reached out and shook his hand weakly, still feeling like this was all a dream, or a nightmare. “If you would like to take your seat at the front we can begin.” He gestured towards the foremost bench located just behind where we were standing now. Liam placed his hand on my back, directing me towards the seat we sat down and I lifted the piece of paper which lay on the bench, it had a plan of the funeral on it and the lyrics to the hymns. The rest is all a blur, it seems strange, wrong that I would zone out during my brother’s funeral. It seems like something a teenager would do when they get bored in science, but at your own brother’s funeral? It shouldn’t happen, nevertheless I lost concentration, the ministers words simply faded to become a buzzing sound, undistinguishable noises as my mind wandered. Somehow I had gone into a trance, like I was hypnotized, unable to appreciate of even be aware of my surroundings.

Standing up as a reflex when everyone else did, sitting down without thinking about it when the time came. I only returned to reality when I heard my name being spoken. “And now, a few words from a loving, grieving brother, a young man in pain, who in time will recover from this tragic loss, Brad Wilson. Liam patted me on the leg, reassuring me slightly, then I stood, I swayed from side to side for a few seconds, my knees feeling weak, people gasped as I just stood, trying to stay standing upright, Liam stood up at once, putting one arm one my arm and one around my back, “I’m alright” I whispered, determined to be strong so I encouraged him to sit back down. He sighed as he reluctantly let go and sat down slowly, almost as if he was waiting for me to lose balance again. I steadied myself and walked slowly towards the front, past where my brother lay in a closed coffin, paid for by some great, great, estranged uncle who I’d probably never met and if I had I didn’t remember. I took deep breaths as I walked towards the podium. The minister smiling as he stepped to the side. I licked my dry lips, my mouth suddenly becoming uncomfortably dry. “My little brother.” I could hear people sniffling already. Pulling tissues from their handbags and pockets and so on. Even still I knew their pain, their sorrow, their loss, it was nothing compared to what I felt.

“My brother, was not like other brothers. He didn’t cry when he didn’t get what he wanted, he wasn’t childish, we never even fought. But, he also didn’t get to go outside, didn’t get to play with his friends, didn’t even get to go to school.” I stopped for a second to catch my breath, my knees beginning to shake again, I looked up at Liam, and when I saw his face, his eyes burning with passion, giving me the strength to carry on, willing me forward, I knew I had to finish what I had started. “You see we never had much luck.” I laughed quietly reflecting on our lives. “No luck at all actually. We didn’t have the things other kids had. No toys, no bedrooms decorated with our favourite things, no homecooked meals made by our mom. Nah, we didn’t have any of that. All we had was each other. And somehow, it was enough. All we needed was each other. And now he’s gone…….. but I’m not alone.” I looked directly at Liam who was smiling at me, I smiled back. “I’m not alone, and neither is Peter.” I paused and looked upwards, not towards the ceiling, beyond that. “He’s with my parents, and he can finally rest.” I turned and nodded to the minister before returning to my seat. “Touching words from a brave young man.” Now if you would like to make your way outside, we will commit Peter’s body to the ground, giving him his final resting place.

A few minutes later we were outside again. Huddled around a deep whole in the ground. Liam held my hand, side by side we stood quietly as I read words which made my skin crawl, letter I could never have imagined to be assembled in such a way, a horrifying vision I would never forget. “Peter Wilson. 2001 – 2011, dearly beloved brother and son, R.I.P”. I looked around, it was still dull, everything seemed grey, miserable, a bleak lake not far from the grave, ripples cutting across the black water in the wind. The dull, dark green grass swaying fiercely. I had lost focus again, only to come crashing back to reality a few moments later. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” And then it happened, my shaking knees gave in and I felt myself collapsing, shocked faces blurred as I fell face first towards the grave, about to suffer an untimely reunion with my brother. Without a second to spare Liam grabbed me, pulling me away from the grave, I watched as Liam dragged me away, I didn’t struggle I couldn’t. Pale faces contorted as they watched me disappear. I would never see them again anyway, but I was going to miss the end of my brother’s funeral, all I could do was look back in despair, I hadn’t the energy to struggle against Liam but it didn’t matter, there was nothing I could do to make things better.

Next thing I know, I’m sitting on my bed, my hands shaking so hard I can’t even undo my tie. I felt Liam’s hands clamp around my wrists as he pulled my hands away, placing them on my lap. He slid the knot out of my tie and slowly pulled it from around my neck. I looked up at him, I would have cried, but I had no tears left, my eyes were sore and red. Liam set my tie on the bed next to me, then he put his soft hands on my cheeks and crouched down so we were face to face. I didn’t know what to say to him, not that it mattered, I could even find the strength to speak, but it was like Liam knew that, his eyes looked at me in a way that told me I didn’t have to speak, I didn’t have to say or do anything.

I felt him pull me forward and he leaned his forehead against mine. We just sat in silence, our eyes closed and his nose just gently touching mine. His soft, wet lips on my mouth sent a calming sensation through my body, it made me relax. I felt like I was his slave, like I would do anything and let him do anything to me. I slowly fell back onto the bed and let Liam climb on top of me kissing me as he slid his foot up and down the bottom of my leg. I knew what was coming and it made me excited, I closed my eyes and let Liam control things, enjoying the sensations of him making love to me.

Afterwards I was lying on my side with Liam’s arm wrapped around me holding me closed to him, I could feel his heavy breathing on the back of my neck and it sounded like he’d fallen asleep. He was the first person I had enjoyed being intimate with, he wasn’t just some guy from work, or a guy from a club, he was the person I loved. I should have fallen asleep next to him, with a smile on my face. Instead I just lay there, eyes open, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think about Liam about what this had meant to him. The only thing on my mind was what I had lost, what I would never get back. What was I going to do now? “Brad, you awake baby?” My eyes twitched back from their empty gaze as I heard Liam’s voice from behind me, I could only reply in the robotic, cold tone that had been stuck with me. “Yes.” I answered coldly. “I know this probably isn’t the right time, but, now that we’ve, well you know, slept together.

I;m not sure you should work in the club. It’s just, the thought of other guys getting to be with you, it kinda makes me angry”. I felt Liam pull me closer to him as he finished his last sentence. “Okay” was the only answer he got. “Good, I’ve got a few things I need to do, so I’ll see you later on, you think you’ll be okay?” I didn’t know what he was doing and in all honesty, I didn’t even care. “I’m not a child Liam, I’ll be fine.” Liam sighed and apologized before climbing out of bed, getting dressed and leaving, but not before he had kissed me goodbye. I rolled over onto my back and grinned, I let out a slight laugh. I’d had enough of letting life push me around, it was my turn to take control. I got out of bed and got dressed, I knew exactly what I was going to do.

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Home : Erotic Fiction : It all started when I fist saw you: Part 3