Sean and Randy: Is this Love?

The sun shone dimly through a veil of clouds. The sky was rich in hues of pinks, blues, oranges, reds, and purples that were sprayed across the gray storm clouds. The air outside was crisp. Fall was stinging the air outside the confines of the warm train. Sean sat in his seat trying desperately to block out the noises in the train. It was rent with travelers heading home. No doubt a mixture of some heading home early for Thanksgiving, peppered with commuters not yet fortunate to be heading to their holiday destinations.

Sean was torn inside. His mind swirling, trying to make sense of what he'd learned in the past months since arriving at school. He was very uncertain of much. The only thing he knew for sure: his life had changed dramatically since starting college. His feelings were a roller coaster. He tried, almost in vein to ignore those around him. Every time he'd get lost in his thoughts, another noise would shake him from his thoughts. If it wasn't a child making senseless noises it was an elderly passenger trying to strike up conversation, a conductor, a crying baby. There was no peace to be found this early fall evening. He took solace knowing soon he'd be at the airport for the second leg of his trip. Maybe the airport would provide some alone time.

Sean gritted his teeth each time he came close to tapping into the feelings that lay beneath the surface. There was a part of him beginning to ache. He needed to be alone with these emotions. He was torn, confused and alone. He was missing someone. Thing was, how could this have happened? This wasn't him. He'd never felt feelings like this. Not for anyone be it man, woman, child, even his pets throughout his life.

Thump thump. Thump thump. The sounds of the train on the tracks were almost rhythmic. They would lull him into a false sense of security where he was just about to get deep into his thoughts. The more time passed, the more angry he grew. He had to express to himself, convince himself what he knew inside was real. But his up-bringing, values, ideals all went against this. It was impossible. It had to be. Yet here he was missing someone. Yes, it was true this person was a friend. Now there'd been other feelings brought in. Its not like these situations happened in one night. The events leading to these feelings had been going on since late August. He hadn't even settled into school a full three weeks.

The young man finally had some time to explore what had been eating at him. The train had emptied quite a bit. He heard people depart the train, less noise. He'd hear the sounds of people heading out. Footsteps, brief cases on wheels, suitcases, they were the sounds of more peace settling in. Just as he was growing used to the increasing serenity, the whistle blew-he sighed learning his time alone was so brief-he knew his stop lay ahead. He grabbed his stuff and headed for the doors before the train could come to a full stop. As he stood holding the poles, a sweet and attractive girl whom had apparently noticed him was attempting to flirt. He was quick to notice her stunning features. This day his mind was going elsewhere. He tried to be as kind as he could muster though it was strained and forced. There was a time he might have tried to score with her. Today his mind was on another plane. The young lady tried as hard as she could. She just couldn't crack Sean. She finally sensed it wasn't going anywhere. She said a goodbye as she headed off, hurt she'd been so rejected. She turned back, looked him over one last time, knowing that'd be the last time they'd see one another, called out, "Too bad. I think we might've actually hit it off. You're just my type." Those words hit him like a ton of bricks. The young man was forced to suppress his feelings deeper. The words spoken to him shifted something inside him. It felt like a powerful earthquake went off inside him. Sean kept repeating in his mind the words the girl spoke to him as she headed off.

Back in late summer as he settled in to his dorm at college he'd been all set to study hard and work just as hard at getting laid and partying. He had an agenda and he was finally going to get out of his shell. Sean had begun working out in his junior year of high school. He'd been an outcast for years. He'd inherited a sizeable amount of money at 16 and being very mature and responsible he instantly invested his good fortune. The one luxury he afforded himself: a better body. He'd hired the best trainer money could buy. He worked out six days a week. By early summer before his senior year he finally had the form and the courage to try out for the football team. His coaches were curious why they'd never seen him try out before. His natural talent impressed them all. He lead his team to the state finals. It was the miracle story of the season. He'd made all the papers and local news shows. The kid that came out of nowhere, the natural. Though he'd come into adequate money and didn't need it, he was awarded a full scholarship. His days of being an outcast, a nobody were over. College was going to be his time to shine. His body was stunning. He stood an impressive six feet and two inches with flawless skin, thanks in part to some magic from his doctor in the form of lasers. His olive skin a mixture of his Italian and Greek heritage. His looks were a site to behold. All made that much more impressive from his eyes. His eyes were green with flecks of blue mixed in. Many people asked him if he wore contacts. Once he'd ditched his glasses people took quick notice of his stunning eyes.

Sean had received offers to do modeling. He might've gotten his body in better shape, his confidence hadn't grown that much. As the young mad walked a few blocks to the airport he caught sight of himself in the glass of the local grocery store. He stopped for a moment lost in his thoughts, trying to find the smallest clue that might help him make sense of his emotions. He thought to himself, is it my looks that got me into this or is it who I am as a man? He stood admiring himself. His college sweatshirt hung nicely on his well formed body. His jeans accentuating his hips, legs, even his bulge. He had a very preppy, boy next door look to him. His college ball cap hid most of his brown hair that was sprinkled naturally with shades blonde, some hair stuck out the back of the cap. He had a few days worth of stubble. His mom would give him grief for that. She preferred her oldest son clean cut and clean shaven. Since leaving for school he'd grown his hair out some and gave up daily shaving. His parents last saw him in early September when they flew out to see him play in one of his games. His hair wasn't so long yet and he reassured his mom he'd cut it the next week. Little did she know the secret her son harbored back then. At that early stage it wasn't much for him to debate. He brushed it off as college fun.

His dad didn't care. He was just proud his son was applying himself in his studies and had a goal and was on track achieving it. He was proud seeing money and being the admiration of others had little effect on his eldest child. The hair didn't bother his dad. The elder one wished he'd been able to wear his own hair as such when he was his son's age. The family was happiest seeing one another as they'd never been apart so long. Sean held his secret back then, but the events seemed so trivial then, hardly enough to give a second thought to. It was a time of new beginnings.

A few moments later a plane roared overhead as it came close to landing. The sound snapped him back to the present. Before heading on he allowed himself a smile but the feeling confused him. How could he be confused yet still be happy? He had much to be proud of. The thing was: he had to make sense of his feelings. And there was the matter that was tearing him up inside. The walk to the airport was a few blocks. As he walked he noticed the cars driving slower. The light dusting of snow forced the drivers to be more cautious. Sean got lost in his thoughts not even realizing it, more in tune to whom it was on his mind. Safety for and missing that person was what ate at him.

The sun was almost gone as Sean entered the airport. He looked around, saw the desk of the airline he was flying, went through all the procedures for checking in. He made his way through the security area and over to a bar and grill. As he entered he noticed it was surprisingly dead. A few passengers waiting for their flights. Most were chatting up the bartender or anyone that would listen. He finally spied a table in a dark corner, made his way there and sat. He glanced over the menu, he wasn't hungry, his emotions kept his hunger at bay. He told himself he needed to eat. He hadn't eaten right since saying his goodbyes at school, especially the one that had gotten to him so much.

The waitress, another good looking woman about his age came over. He sighed heavily just before she neared him, just far enough away not to hear him sigh. As he looked closer he saw she was visibly pregnant. A reprieve. She was very cute, no doubt she'd most likely flirt and hit on him if she weren't expecting. She stood before him wanting to take his order. He found a salad, soup and sandwich and he placed his order. The girl could see the sorrow on his face. She hesitated making comment about it and headed off to put his order in.

Finally Sean was alone. He held off getting into his thoughts too deep before his food came. He didn't want anyone to break his thoughts. He had time to check his phone. One missed call. His heart sank into his stomach. Was this the call he'd been pining for? One Missed Call: Jesse. Crap. That was his cousin calling. "Fuck it" he mumbled. I'll see him tomorrow. He was a bit agitated it wasn't the call he longed for. Next he looked at his date book. Monday. He'd forgotten the day. Then it came back to him. The Monday before Thanksgiving. No school until after the first of the year. His school worked on a new trial schedule. They had classes that ran a bit longer so the students could have off longer and rest more. It seemed to be working. The downside, Sean had to cope with these feeling until January. Unless...

His food had come and Sean ate in silence. His stomach putting up a fight as the food entered. It was settling like a lead balloon inside him. The fullness felt good, he knew hunger lay beneath the emotions. But the latter held a death grip on the former. The food was needed, the emotions resented the company with in the food gave. His stomach would later resist in the form of heartburn.

The airport was almost too quiet. The bulk of the travelers were still a day or two away. A few others came in and out of the place, none staying as long as Sean. He still had some time before his flight. The darkness inside the bar and grill hid the young man's face well. The light hanging above his table was plenty dim.

Meal completed the young man grabbed his cell phone. He had signal. Why couldn't there be a missed call or a text message? What was the problem? After all, he wasn't even the one who had instigated everything. He was happy as he was. Now he was torn. Was he in love? Was it a crush? How could he have these feelings for another man?

After things began to unfold months prior, Sean surfed the Internet and read stories about guys meeting in college in their dorms and stuff happening. Apparently this wasn't as uncommon as he first thought. Sean was taken off guard by Randy but he was far from innocent himself. Both young men were tall. Sean being about an inch taller. The two guys were both the same age-19 and only 19 by a few months. Sean was an August baby and Randy October. On his birthday in August is when it all happened. It was innocent enough at first. Sean was down being away from home for his birthday, a first. Randy understood fully, it was going to be his first one away from home soon enough.