The Summer of 1977 - The Journey Begins

I'd yawn and my eyes would flutter as I woke from my sleep. The vision of my ceiling would go from night time where I was holding Bobby. And switch to morning with the cealing much brighter. I'm holding onto the pillow that I have painfully mistaken for Bobby in another one of my foolish boys dream.

It's not a healty thing to experience such happiness and sadness with only seconds between emotions. I have tried to put to paper, the feeling I got at the moment I realized that I was only dreaming and that none of it ever happened. We didn't made love all night, he never said that he loved me, nothing has changed. No matter what I try to write, I can't seem to capture my the excruitating pain and my desire to die, right then, just leave this life without so much as a goodbye. A simple note perhaps: 

*****
Fuck It!
I gave, and I gave, and I gave. I only wanted one thing in my life. I now realize that it will never be mine. It seemed pointless to stay any longer, so I left. 
Me.
*****
The following year, school was over for Bobby and I. College was not in the cards for either of us, so we joined the rat race. Even after high school, we did everything together and landed jobs at the phone company. It sure made me feel good to continue to have him consume the majority of my day. School had ended so quickly and I wasnt's ready to spend a day where I couldn't see Bobby at will. We worked on different floors, in different departments. But we drove to and from work together every day. Just like we walked to and from school together everyday. We had lunch together everyday as well.

About 6 months into our careers at the phone company, Bobby and I where both shining stars in our departments. I was becoming more confident now that I was working and socializing as a young adult. I was building the courage to tell Bobby the truth. But as most things happened with us. We rarely delivered the truth. It would just show up out of the blue when we weren't looking. That's what happend in the car on the way home one day. Bobby was telling about this joke that someone in his department played on him today

"Fuckin Darryl up on 6th! -- The guy that I said sounds just like you on the phone, remember? He played a joke on me today. - Dude! I was so fucking embarrassed. - I had a conversation with him thinking that I had called you by mistake. - But it was Darryl pretending to be you. -- When he said -- HELLO! -- It sounded just like you. -- So I was like:

"Oops sorry buddy! I dialed you by mistake." -- 

So Darryl says: -- "You did? who did you mean to dial?" 

I said: -- "Darryl up here on 6th. The guy I said reminds me of you."

Then he says -- "Oh yeah that guy! I'll bet his dick isn't half as big as mine."

and guess what the fuck I said? -- "I don't think anyones dick is as big as yours"

then Darryl busts up laughing: -- "Idiot! This is Darryl, hahahahahahahahah

"So I'm like telling him that your my best friend and that's how I know how big your dick is. We're not gay and stuff! I'm like pleading for him to not say anything and guess what he says."

"I have no idea" I said.

"He says he'd keep quiet if I gave him your phone number. So I asked him what in the hell he'd want with your number, you're not gay! and guess what he said?"

"I give up?" I said.

"He said - The fuck he isn't You're buddy is gayer then shit! -- Can you believe he said that?"

I didn't respond. I was frozen looking straight ahead. From the corner of my eye, I saw Bobby look over at me for a second. He didn't say anything and just pulled off of the freeway and into the parking lot of a church. I remember thinking that this was going to turn out bad and I was preparing myself for a beating right there in the front seat of the car. I would have taken it too! 

Without a word he got out of the car and walked back and leaned against the trunk. I moved the rear view mirror and watched him light a cigarette. I didn't know what to do. Maybe he's waiting for me to get out of the car and start walking. I was picturing him getting back into the car and asking my why I was still sitting there
.
I started to cry and thought my best bet was to get out and beg for forgiveness. Confessing to him that I was a sick faggot but deny ever having any desire for him. Then the church bells rang. It was like a fuckin' message from God! and he was pissed.
****
"What are you doing? -- Do I not forgive you for all of you sins? -- And we both know that you have a lot of them. -- This is where you lies have lead, and you contemplate more lies? He will call for you soon, honor him with the truth, no matter what the cost. 
So help me, Me -- The truth will set you free!
****
The church bells tolled 6pm and I looked up at the mirror right as Bobby reached a hand out and knocked on the trunk. I looked back and he motioned for me to go back there. I was still crying but knew that I had to go ready or not.

I have never been so resigned to fate in my entire life. I went to him armed with nothing but the truth, prepared to accept my fate. The whole thing was like slow motion. As I was closing the door to walk back to him, he looked back and saw that I was crying. I instantly saw his face go from rage and anger, to concern and sympathy.

When I saw that change of expression on his face, my emotions came pouring out as I took the last few steps. I staggered like I was drunk, blinded by stinging tears. I felt his hands catch me, I heard him speak as I was about to fall. He caught me and hugged me tightly stroking the back of my head.

"Whoa! Come here! - Shhhhhhhh It's okay. -- Don't cry man! -- I won't hurt you, I can't" 

"Bobby! - I'm sorry I didn't tell you.-- I freaked when I realized it, and didn't want to lose you."

"When did all of this happen?"

" That day in Danny's front yard. The day that we met."

"You turned gay on the day that we met?"

"No, I fell in love with you on that day. The gay part just came along with it."

"You realize that you've spent 7 years being in love with a straight guy with a tiny dick, right?"

"Yeah! -- and you thought that you had problems."

We laughed so hard at that. I can't remember the last time we laughed like that. Bobby lit cigarette and handed it to me, then lit one for himself. It got real serious and although we both had tears from laughing so hard, he wiped away a few different tears before he spoke.

"I have to tell you something." Bobby said.

"It's okay Bobby. I would have accepted it."

"Accepted what?"

"The ass beating I was gonna get when I got out of the car."

"How did you know?"

"I saw it in your eyes for a few seconds when I got out,"

"Do you know why I didn't"

"Because of the look on my face, you saw something."

"Yeah, Love."

We sat there on the ground behind his car for about an hour. He asked me who knows about it and told me that he wanted permisson to tell him mom that I was gay. I asked him why it was so important that he tell her. He told me that when we where 16, she told him that I was gay, and he freaked out on her and called her a stupid bitch for saying it. They didn't talk for weeks.

"Will you do that for me? Can I tell her? It's the only way I can apologize to her?" He said

"Oh my God! - YES! Tell Her! - What else in your life have I fucked up?"

"Nothing that we couldn't fix by giving Darryl your number? He think's you're cute"

Darryl ended up becoming my first boyfriend. I became a part of his life as he became part of mine. Bobby filtered into our life together as a couple. At one of our parties, Bobby met the sister of one of our gay friends. They where married a year later and Darryl and I broke-up a few week after Bobby's wedding after 3 1/2 years together. I fell into my deepest despare for about a year, until I found that Bobby & Stacy where expecting a son. A son that ended up having the same first name as me, and the same middle name as his dad.

It was a complicated pregnancy, and family from both sides crowded the waiting room. That's when I met Stacy's brother Matt. There where 2 additional boys that came after the first, all are two years apart, nearly to the day. Matt and I have been there for much of it over the past 11-years.

I was up in Northern California on business last week, and stopped in as I always did. The boys are growing like weeds, it's frightening. Bobby and I sat outdoors under a shade tree. We sipped our beer and watched his boys play under the sprinkler.

"Have you ever stopped and thought about what's happened to us. How you're responsible for all of this?" Bobby said.

"All of what?" I said.

"All of that" Bobby said tipping his bottle towards his boys. No You & Darryl - No Stacy."

"Yeah! But No You & Stacy - No Matt."

"Is he everything that you wanted?"

"He not quite you -- But his dick is unbelievably large!"

"Christ! My best friend is a size queen." Bobby said.

We laughed just a little harder then we did that day in the church parking lot. I couldn't beleive Bobby called me a size queen or that he's even know what it meant. I was afraid to dream for quite a while. Especially when I'd had dreams about Matt and I in the future. I'd wait for the end like it ended with Darryl. It didn't occur to me until then how Darryl and I ended shortly after then person that I really loved said "I do" to his wife. Next month I'll be saying "I do" to her brother. Bobby will be there at my side. It almost like......like everything happend for a reason."

Dreams are wonderful things whether they be daydreams or sleeping ones. In them we can be anybody or with anyone. I smiled as I looked at Bobby under that shade tree. Both of us pushing 40. His hair, what is left of it, is much shorter now and is starting to go gray. The tallness of his forehead still make him look older than his years. He really never did grow very much. And most folks still would not think of him as beautiful. But for me, it really doesn't take much effort at all, for whenever I look upon him, no matter how often or how many times, I still see that wonderful fourteen year old who sat across the room. And I thank God every day for bringing him to me in the best way he saw fit.. And I thank Him for a young boy's dreams and for the fact that I don't have to dream anymore.