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Finally I saw the two shirtless bodies at the very end of the room, making out
against the wall. The guy against the wall had his eyes closed but I recognized
him immediately: Charlie! I couldn’t believe it, I never would have suspected he
was guy. I had fantasized about things like this for years. My dick started
getting hard.
Then I examined the guy against him, the guy who’s naked back I could see.
Before my mind could really process it I felt a hole grow in my chest, a cold,
painful hole as I realized Charlie was making out with Matt.
Suddenly sensing they were not alone, Charlie opened his eyes and looked at me
in panic. Matt turned around and opened his eyes with terror. The three of us
stood in silence, petrified with shock. I opened my mouth, not to speak, but to
breathe.
“Mark” Matt said in a barely audible tone. I had to get out of there. After
seconds of petrified shock, I ran out of the locker room and to my car. I wanted
to run so fast that I would leave the pain behind, the pain that was definitely
going to kill me.
My cell phone rang a few times since I left the school. As I sped to get to my
house I still couldn’t breathe, I wanted to cry but I couldn’t let my parents
see me. I swallowed the pain, burying it me inside me, but It wouldn’t last
long.
Years of lying to everyone and to myself, hiding who I really was, pain I felt
because I loved a friend, a guy. I knew nothing would ever happen between Matt
and me, I knew I would see him with girls, wishing I was her, secretly wishing
he would love me back,that he would be with me. But I never thought I would see
him with another guy. I always hoped that if he was by some miracle gay he would
naturally be with me. But he didn’t. I was not enough. I would spend my life
hiding and alone.
I was relieved to find that my parents weren’t home yet, so I ran up the stairs
and locked myself in the bathroom. I turned on the hot water, stripped and
stepped inside. After a few seconds of the embrace of the warm water, I was
soaked. I decided to sit and rest my head against the wall, the warm water still
falling on me.
“Crawling in my skin, this wounds they will not heal..” a Linkin Park song came
to my mind as I cried under the warm water. I started crying and I couldn’t
stop. The hole inside my chest had taken my entire body; all the pain I had
buried had blown the walls that I had built around it, now I couldn’t hide it
any longer. It hurt too much. “Oh god” I said pained as I remember Matt and
Charlie. “Please kill me” I begged. I didn’t want to feel anymore.
Two hours later I was numb and on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Matt had
stopped calling and he didn’t send me any messages, I guess he didn’t know what
to say. He was probably suffering because he didn’t know how I would react. I
should probably tell him its ok, suddenly excited by the prospect of talking to
him. Usually I only looked for an excuse to talk to him.
“He doesn’t want you” a voice in my head told me, and my tiny hint of excitement
was crushed. It’s good then that he was suffering… why didn’t he want to be with
me?
“Argh” I said annoyed. I heard once that when somebody doesn’t want you it has
nothing to do with you, you just simply aren’t his type. Then I thought of
Brian, I had a feeling that to him it was more than just fooling around. Why
didn’t I want him? It had nothing to do with him, he’s cute and cool and a good
fuck. I chuckled dryly. It was not him, I just didn’t like him that way. It was
the same with Matt. It’s not me.
Thinking this way helped a little. But It still sucked. “Fuck” I said tired and
defeated.
“Why won’t you love me” was the last thing I thought before falling asleep.
Next day I was dreading seeing Charlie and Matt, although a small part of me was
sort of happy because Matt would definitely be after me, instead of the other
way around. Even if he didn’t want to be with me, it would feel good.
Of course, Ms Bitch was hard on me since I didn’t do the assignment. But I
didn’t care, I was relieved because Biology was one class I didn’t have with
Matt. However, it was a class I had with Charlie. I sat at the back, not paying
attention to anything, but I could see Charlie looked at me occasionally. When
the bell rang I didn’t know If I should bolt out the classroom or talk to
Charlie, but before I could decide what to do he was standing next to me.
“Hey” I said indifferently.
“Hi” he said nervous. He was fidgeting as I stood in front of him. Everyone was
already out the room as he struggled to speak. He looked even cuter when he was
nervous, I felt bad for him.
“Listen, I won’t say anything to anybody” He looked at me with bright eyes and
sighed in relief.
“Oh my god, thanks man. I didn’t know-“ he still didn’t know what to say. I
decided I would use this opportunity to get information.
“But you need to tell me what the fuck, dude!” I said with a smile. He smiled
back nervously.
“It just sort of happened” he said looking at his feet.
“Are you gay?” I asked.
“NO!” he responded without thinking. But then hesitated. “ I mean.. I don’t
think.. I don’t know”
“Did you like it?” I asked unemotionally. He looked at me, I could tell he never
thought I would be asking for details.
“Uhm” he chuckled “Yeah”
“Are you going to be fuck buddies or something?” I smiled. He laughed lightly.
“Dunno. I hope, hehe. We were freaked out cause we didn’t know how you would
react. I never thought you’d react like this. Thanks, Mark” he punched me
tenderly on my arm. I smiled back.
“No problem” I smiled warmly and we started walking out the classroom.
“Thing is, I like girls too. I mean I’ve always liked them… but I don’t know. I
like him” A cold pain stabbed my chest.
“Oh”
“Sorry. Don’t think you want to hear this. I don’t think I would if it was the
other way around”
“No it’s cool” I said without looking at him. He smiled in relief. “Is, he…
gay?” I looked at him. He stared at his feet.
“I don’t know. He was sort of the one who started it” Another stab.
“Good luck” I patted his back and walked faster, leaving him behind. The
numbness had gone and now the hole wanted me to fall again.
“You’re late, Mr. Robertson” the Literature teacher said as I walked inside the
class.
“Sorry” I said scanning the room. Matt was sitting in his usual seat, the one
next to mine. There was also another seat available, away from him. He looked at
me, his body tense, waiting to see what I would do. It was up to me now. He was
being an asshole and then he was making out with Charlie. I couldn’t be next to
him. I sat down away from him. Throughout the class I felt his eyes on me, or at
least I thought I did..or I wanted for him to be looking at me, but I never
turned around to check. Class ended and like he had done the other day, I bolted
before he could talk to me.
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