My German Lover, Part 27, chapter 6 (Conclusion)

Paul did come to see me that night. When he walked into my room, my mum looked at me and said:

“I will leave you two alone for a while….”

I nodded yes.

She closed the door behind her, and Paul sat right next to my bed.

“Have you heard?” I asked him, my eyes full of tears…

“Yes. I’m so sorry Jack. I can’t believe this is happening… I just can’t…”

“Yes… Neither do I… It’s like I’m having a very bad dream… and I’m waiting to wake up… so the bad dream goes away. But I am awaken…”

“I know…”

“Paul? I want to ask you a question?”

“Yes. What is it?”

“If it was Will in that bed… If you had to decide… What would you do?”

“What? That’s not a fair question to ask me…”

“Maybe Paul. But I’m asking you…”

Tears began running down his cheeks. He remained silent for a while… then looked at me and said:

“You see Jack… Mike is no longer with us. He’s gone. The Mike you have loved is no longer there. If Will was in that bed… I would set him free. That’s what I would do. I would let nature follow its course. But I don’t want to influence you Jack. I don’t want you to hate me, because I’m telling you that. You must make your own decision Jack. But… I have a question for you…”

“Yes…”

“What do you think Mike would want you to do? Find the answer to that question, and you’ll find the answer you’re looking for. That’s all I can say…”

“… I think… No… I know Mike would want me to set him free. But it’s so hard Paul… so hard to let him go… So hard…”

“I know Jack. I know. Sometimes, it takes a lot of courage to do what we have to do. I’m so sorry you’re in that position right now.”

Paul was holding my hand and for a long time we stayed like that, silently crying. There was nothing more to say. I knew the doctors had done for Mike all that was humanly possible to do.

“…If he’s disconnected… he will die…”, I finally said, breaking the silence…

Paul nodded…

“…Where will he be buried?”

Paul looked up at me and answered:

“…Well… If that’s what you want… and if his parents agree, he could be buried at Bagatelle…”

“… What do you think?”

“You see Jack… you’re young. I know you won’t believe me… but time is a good healer. I know you will never forget Mike. Never. But… as time will move on, you will move on with your life. Maybe, you will meet someone else, and you will fall in love again. As I said, you will never forget Mike… but… (…) Well, all that to say that I think that he should be buried with his family, back in France. That’s what I think Jack…”

“…Shit. Oh shit… His parents would take him back to Lyon…”

“Yes. I suppose they would bring his ashes back to where he was born…”

“HIS ASHES? No Paul… I don’t want him to be cremated. I couldn’t stand that… I don’t want that to happen…”

“Hey… calm down. Calm down….”

“I’ll pay so his body is brought back to Lyon. I don’t want him to be cremated, you hear me Paul?”

“Yes yes… I hear you. I swear to you it won’t happen. I swear. Are you satisfied no? Do you trust me?”

“Yes…”

The morning after, Mike’s parents came to see me…

“…I’ve made my decision. (…) I agree with you… We must set him free…”, I said to them, crying…

We all cried. Shit, did we cry!

“…But before they unplug him, I want to spend as much time as I want with him… And I want to be with him when they will they disconnect him…”

“…Are you sure that’s a good idea?”, Mike’s dad asked…

I looked at him and answered:

“Mike would be there for me. I know that. So I will be there with him…”

“Fine”.

Before Mike was unplugged from the artificial respirator, I was brought to his bed. I stayed alone with him for a long time. How long? I don’t know. I told him all I wanted to say to him… I kissed him… and I said Adieu to him. My dad and Mike’s dad were waiting outside the room. When I nodded to them, the nurse called the doctor. 

It had been decided that only Mike’s dad, my dad and me would be there when Mike was going to be unplugged. I was holding his hand. All the time…

I won’t tell you how it went… except to say that it went well…

When everything was over, Mike’s dad fastened Mike’s gold chain around his son’s neck and I gave him a last kiss. Then my dad pushed my chair back to my room where the others were waiting. When we entered the room the others looked at us and I nodded to them with tears in my eyes. Nothing was said.

Two days later, as they were about to go back to France with Mike’s body, his parents came to see me and we hugged…

“…You will come to see us, huh?”, they finally asked… “You will always be welcome at our house Jack. Always…”

“Thank you. I love you… and yes, as soon as I can travel… I’ll go to Lyon, to pray on Mike’s grave. Count on me… I love you… And tell Loulou I love her. Tell her, huh?”

“…Yes. We will…”

Due to my condition, I couldn’t make it to Mike’s funeral back in France. But after the funeral Loulou, Mike’s sister, called me to tell me everything had gone well and that my dear Mike had been laid to rest into their family plot… wearing his gold chain around his neck. A thanked her and when I hung up the phone, I cried. It was over. Everything was over.

A few days later, and as my parents were about to go back to Montréal I had a long talk with them…

“Look…. I don’t want to go back to Montréal right now. I want to go through my final exams. I don’t want to lose my school year… I’ve talk about that with François, and he want’s me to stay at his house while I’m here in Fort-de-France. Then, once my plaster casts are removed, I’ll have to go through lots of physiotherapy… and so, living at François’ house, it will be easy to come here at the hospital…”

“Are you sure you don’t want to come back to Montréal with us…”, my mum asked…

“…Not now mum. I’m not ready to go back… Do you understand?”

“…Yes… But we worry about you…”

“Don’t mum. Don’t. I’ll be fine. Just fine.”

“Okay. You’ll call everyday, won’t you?”

“Yes mum…”, I answered, smiling…

My parents left and a few days later, I was discharged from the hospital.

I went to live at François’ house… and went back to college, where I finally made it through the exams.

Then, my plaster casts were removed, and I began physiotherapy…

Shit. That was hard! I was doing my best with crutches… But I was hurting a lot, because of my left arm…

One evening, I was sitting alone on the covered balcony at François’ house. His house is located at Plateau Didier, which is probably the most beautiful residential area in all of Fort-de-France. His house is a gorgeous Louisiana-style colonial villa, gleaming white and surrounded by a sumptuous garden… And the view from there is fantastic…

So that evening I was sitting there, staring at the ocean in the distance… doing some thinking… when François walked over to me with a coffee in his hand…

“…Want some coffee…”, he asked me…

“No. Thanks…”

“May I sit with you…”

“Sure. Go on…”

“Thanks. Um… you seem to be a bit preoccupied this evening… Can I help?”, he asked…

“Thanks François. No… I’m not preoccupied. I was just doing some thinking…”

“Yes. I understand. I know what you’re going through my friend. I know…”

I turned across to look at him… and after a moment of silence, I said:

“…You have lost Philippe too. It must have been hard…”

“Yes. So hard…”

And François started to tell me what had happened…

“…You see Jack. At least, you know where Mike is resting now. But I don’t know what happened to Philippe. When he stopped writing to me, I tried to find him. To know why… what had happened to him. To no avail… To this day, I just don’t know…”

“…And would you like to know?”

François looked at me and answered:

“…Yes. Yes I would”

“I know.”

“What?”

“I know where he is and what happened to him…”

François stared at me…

Then I explained how Mike and I had found Philippe… that he had died… I explained everything to François and in the end he said:

“… You see Jack… You found him for me. That’s what destiny wanted. Now, I know. I can die in peace. Thanks to you. Thanks a lot my friend…”, he said with tears in his eyes… “You’ve just made me so happy…”

I went through many days of physiotherapy… and one day I told François:

“…I’m fed up with the physiotherapy at the hospital. I’ve called Paul, and I’m going back to Bagatelle. I’ll have the pool over there to make exercises… and I’ll slowly go back to my usual swim training. What do you think?”

“Do you feel you’re ready for that?”

“Yes François. And you can burn those crutches. I’m fed up. I’m dumping them…”

“…You’re the worst patient I’ve ever had…”, he answered, laughing his heart out…

“Maybe. Sorry… but that’s it!”

I moved back to Bagatelle… where they were all happy to see that I was back!

My things had been moved back to Bagatelle and on the ground floor, a bedroom had been prepared for me…

“We’re so happy to have you back…”, Will said, hugging me…

“I’m glad to be back…”, I answered with tears in my eyes…

During that period, I swim trained a lot. At first, it wasn’t easy… but I kept going… and soon enough, I was feeling pretty good. I was no longer limping, but my left arm was still hurting like hell…

One day, as I was resting near the pool… Paul walked to me and asked:

“So… how is it going?”

“Fine…”, I answered, grinning… “Paul?”

“Yes?”

“Do you know where are the keys to our house!”

“Your father gave me a set. Why?”

“I want to go there…”

“To your house?”

“Yes. I need to go back there…”

“Okay. But I’ll go with you…”

“No. Thanks Paul. I need to go alone… I must go…”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes Paul. It’s something I must do…”

“When do you intend to go?”

“This afternoon…”

“Al right. I’ll get the keys for you…”

Slowly, I walked towards our house… and when I reached the door, I said to myself: No Jack. You won’t cry. You won’t. Do it for Mike”…

I unlocked the door and went inside. Slowly, very slowly I walked towards our bedroom…

All of Mike’s belongings had been removed… except for his guitar. It was there, on our bed…

I sat on the bed and looked at it for a while. Tears started to run down from my eyes. As much as I didn’t want to cry… I couldn’t help it.

As I was staring at his guitar it felt like if someone was talking to me…

“Good! Now I’m hearing voices…”, I said to myself… “What else?”

I stared at the guitar for a while… then at our bed. The bed where we had made love so often. Where we had been so happy… I stared at the pillows… 

“You’re here, huh?” I said aloud… “You’re here with me, huh? What are you trying to tell me Mike? Am I going crazy or what?”

After a while, I rose from our bed and walked out of the house. 

Paul and Will were there, standing on the beach… waiting for me…

I looked at them and smiled…

“What the heck are you two doing there?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all….” They answered, smiling at me… “Are you alright?”, Will asked…

I looked at him… and answered:

“He was in there with me. He was. I swear… He talked to me…”

“…What did he say”, Paul softly asked…

“I’m not sure. Hey, I’m not crazy you know… “

“No you’re not…”, Will answered…

A day or two, as we were all having dinner I looked at my old friends and said:

“…I know what Mike was trying to tell me the other day… He was telling me to go on with my life… That’s what he was trying to tell me…”

“Set him free, Jack… And the only way you’re gonna do it is by going on with your life”, Paul said…

A few days later, as I was resting near the pool Paul walked over to me and sat in a chair next to me. For a while we made small talk and then he asked me:

“…Do you have dreams Jack?”

“Dreams? What do you mean?”

“Do you have a dream… something important you would like to realize in your life…”

“I don’t know. I feel so empty right now. I wake up in the morning, have breakfast, swim train… then we have lunch… later we have dinner then I go back to bed. That’s all I’m doing. I guess I’m like a zombie…”

“…You have some thinking to do my friend. I think you should start thinking about what you want to do with your life… Somewhere, you must have a dream. Find it. You know… when a man stops having dreams… he stops living, and starts existing. You’re too young for that Jack. Much too young…”

What Paul had said to me that day had made quite an impression on me. I knew he was right. As hard as it was, I had to go on…

After a few weeks training, I started to feel much, much better. One night, I looked at Paul and Will and said:

“I’m going back…”

“Back to where?”, Will asked…

“…To Montréal. I’m ready to go back. I can’t stay in Martinique all my life. I must think about my future. And my future isn’t here. I know that now…”

“You’re right Jack…”, Will said. “Your future isn’t here. As hard as it will be for us to see you go, you must go. Don’t live in the past. The past is gone. You’re young… go for it! I’m sure you have a bright future in front of you… You must go on…”

“Yes”, Paul added… “It will break our hearts to see you leave… but you must go. It’s time now.”

“I don’t know what to say to you guys…”, I said with tears in my eyes… “You’ve been there for me all the time. I wouldn’t have made it without you…”

The day I went back to Montréal, Will, Paul and Lutz were there at the Airport. As for the others, I already had said my good byes to them. To Ludwig… to his grandchildren… and to Hans’ grandchildren…

As I was about to board the plane, I looked back at them and said:

“I love you guys. Thanks for all you did for me. I love you…”

“…Come back soon, you hear? And call…”, Paul answered…

“Every Saturday morning, I will call…”

“Do that. We will be expecting your calls…”, Will said…

We hugged for a last time, then I boarded the plane…

When my plane landed at the Montréal International Airport, my parents were there to greet me… along with my friend Richard.

I smiled at them… then we all hugged. I looked at Richard and asked:

“Hey… What are you doing here?”

“…I wanted to be here… I’m so sorry Jack. So sorry…”

“Yeah… well don’t. But thanks…”

We went back to my house and Richard followed me into my bedroom…

He sat on my bed and watched me unpack…

“…I’m so happy you’re back Jack…”

“Thanks dude…”

“…So… what do intend to you…”, he later asked…

I looked at him for a few seconds… then answered:

“…I don’t know Richard. I don’t have all the answers… I’m taking it a day at the time. And all I know is that I need to swim train, cause it helps me a lot… So if you’re asking me… that’s what I’m going to do for now. Swim train…”

“Hey… can I swim train with you?”, he asked me with a big smile on his face…

“…Sure. Why not. If that’s what you want…”

“Yeah. It will be just like the way it was…”

I looked at him… then I sat on my bed right next to him and said:

“…No Richard. That’s the past. I’ve changed. It will never be like it was before… I’m no longer the guy you knew back then…”

“Whatever. Anyway, I’m glad you’re back. I’ve missed you so much… Now you’re here, and we’re back together…”
I looked at him and grinned. Poor Richard!

“…You’re still thinking about him, huh?”, he asked me… “I wish you could forget…”

I turned to look at him and said:

“Forget? Never. You hear me Richard? I’ll never forget…”

“I’m sorry to say that, but you now what Jack? He’s dead…”

“Stop Richard, or leave. Yes Mike, is dead. But I will never forget him. It’s true that he was taken away from me… but no one can take my memories away from me. No one. That’s all I have left. I’ll go on with my life, don’t worry. But don’t ask me to forget. I’ve known what true love is all about… and that’s something I’ll never forget…”

“…I didn’t want to hurt you Jack. Sorry if I did…”, Richard answered. “It’s just that… I’ve been waiting so long for you to come back…”

“Well pal… I’m back…”

“Yeah. But are you with me, or are you still there?”

I couldn’t help it but rolled my eyes. I looked at him and saw he had tears in his eyes. Shit, I said to myself. Had Mike been right? Was Richard in love with me?

A day or two later, I went to a music store and started looking for Chris de Burgh’s “Spanish Train And other Stories” compact disc. I found it. I went back home, took my CD Walkman with me and left for a long walk. As I was walking near the St.Lawrence River I sat on a bench and began watching the birds flying all around…

Then on my CD Walkman, my favorite song started to play: “Lonely sky”…

“…He had to fly…”, I said to myself…

Then, I remembered the bad premonition I had had one night, so long ago… when I had watched Mike walking alone on that road, only to see him disappear into the dark night…

“…Where you’ve gone Mike, I can’t follow you now”, I said to myself… “I can’t. Some day, we’ll be reunited… I know that. But for now, please… set me free Mike. Sail beside me in my lonely sky, but let me fly…”

Later, I rose and went back home. That night, when I went to sleep I whispered:

“…Just watch me Mike. I’ll fly so high, you’ll be proud of me! Just watch me now…”

__________________________________________
Well, that’s it my friends. That’s the end. I sure hope I didn’t leave you on a sad note. I want you to know that I’m doing just fine, and that life goes on for me. Don’t worry. It’s been a long story, and I enjoyed writing it. I had made a promise to Will and Paul that I would tell their story, and I’ve kept my promise. As for the last chapter… I wrote it for me... and for Mike. It’s been hard, but I had to do it. And now, I’m glad I did it. Somewhere, I have found the strength to revisit those tragic events… and now that I have done that, I feel better. Thanks pals, for listening to me till the end. Thanks. That’s all I can say. Now, as I’ve already said, an epilogue will follow so I can bring you up to date. I hope you will enjoy it. So… see you soon pals. Take good care.