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"Danny-Boy, Can you give your old man a little time to adjust? - You kind of
caught me off guard here a little bit. - Well...a lot!" His dad said .
"However long it takes pop!" Danny said.
"Ahh! - That's me boy!" Mr. Sullivan said with his Irish brouge.
It wasn't until the following Thanksgiving that we realized how conditional
Danny's mom's acceptance was. She totally fooled me and shit like that really
pisses me off. It seemed more then okay when it was just us visiting them, but
with a house full of extended relatives, it was suddenly a subject not suitable
for any of Danny's neices and nephews to be subjected to. It was obvious to
Danny's siblings what their mother's problem was and shortly after dinner, it
lead to a major blowout between a mother and her children. The following year
Danny's sister-in-law spearheaded a boycott of thanksgiving at the Sullivans and
hosted the event at her house. She had obviously explained things to her two
oldest children and they seemed to be okay with it. Danny's 12-year old nephew
had a friend with two mom's and unwittingly said one of the most hysterically
funny things that I have ever witnessed. It was when he was introducing Danny to
one of his friends.
"This is my uncle Danny." He told his friend.
"The gay one?" His friend replied.
"Yeah, and this is..." He said and then paused. "If he's my uncle Danny, does
that make you my Aunt Nick?" He said totally 100% fucking serious. I might have
been embarrassed had it not been so God damn funny. Danny's brother Billy
laughed so hard that he farted and that only made the room burst into even more
hysterical laughter.
"You can just call me Nick" I said.
"Can I call you uncle Nick?" He asked.
"Sure, I'd like that." I said.
Then the Sullivan's arrived and the rest of the visit was basically a bust,
except for when Billy Jr. asked his Grandma why she didn't like gay people. It
was a priceless moment that money could never buy. However, a month later money
did buy Billy Jr. the coolest mother fucking bicycle that any 12-year old could
hope to find beside the Christmas tree.
Mr. Sullivan tried to control his wifes antics and even apoligized to Danny and
I on her behalf. "Lighten up Maggie, will ya?" He said to her on more then one
ocassion, but to no avail. I had stopped caring about what Mrs. Sullivan
thought, but I could tell that Danny was hurt by it during the entire 5-hour
dive back to Arizona.
"She hates me!" Danny said.
It was almost 1 o'clock in the morning when I called the Sullivan's house and
started screaming to Danny's mom that we had been in a bad accident on the
highway and that Danny was dead. He could hear her screaming as I yanked the
phone away from my ear only to have him rip it from my hand.
"He's only kidding mom! - Go back to sleep!" Danny said before hanging up.
Mr. Sullivan called right back and busted my balls bigtime, but I didn't care
because it wasn't about him or his wife. It was about Danny thinking that his
mother didn't love him when I knew God damn well that she did. How sad is it
that I had to stoop to that level to trick a mother into admitting that she
loved her son? - Hell, she was lucky because I would have put a loaded gun to
her head if that's what it would have taken. It might just have been her seeing
thelengths to which I would go to for her son that finally got her over her
foolishness. It never solicited an apology from her for her previous behavior,
but it brought a swift and certain end to any further bullshit going forward.
After the sting of just how cruel and heartless my little stunt was, Mr.
Sullivan admitted that he was doubtful that anything would have changed over
time had I not done what I did and I saw him shiver when he said it.
"My God! - You do love our Danny, don't you boy?" He asked.
"Yes sir!" I said.
"Well then, I'm happy for ya! - And for Danny!" He said.
"You're a good man Mr. Sullivan." I said.
"Aye! - As are you Nicolas! - A fine man!- A patient man!" He said.
Danny's dad was not a man of many words, so whenever he did speak you could
always count on it being something worth waiting to hear. Those where the most
words that we had spoked to each other in years, yet they where words that would
be remembered for a lifetime. He seemed to be able to detect the torment that I
endured during the 5-years that Danny disconnected himself from Jimmy, Gilbert
and I, but from me in particular. Those years did torment me because I didn't
know where Danny was or if he ever stopped to think about me as much as I
thought about him. However, I could think of more torturous moments when the
secret love affair between Danny and was in full swing.
I just can't describe what it's like to feel love and fear at such an intense
level at the same time. I was so in love with Danny, yet so afraid of him
finding out that I would often become panic stricken. I finally came to point
where I didn't care if Danny loving me was probable or even possible, I just
didn't want to be impossible. However, when he left followed by his parents
moving away, I had to accept the possibility that he had really gone to find
that wife that he had spoken about. The women that would be the mother of his
childern, something that I could never do. It was the first time that I realized
that no matter how much I loved him, it would never be enough to take the place
of a family or a son to carry on his name. That was a hard pill to swallow
because only I knew how much I loved Danny and to think that it wasn't enough
didn't seem possible. I always wondered if he remembered about the three stars?
I'm not sure if was a premonition on my part, but I made a habit of pointing out
these three stars to Danny on moonless nights. They seemed to be evenly stacked
on top of each other and where easy to locate so I told him that if we ever
found ourselves seperated someday, all that he had to do was to look for those
stars and know that I would be looking at them too no matter how far we had
strayed.
"Don't be silly! - That's never going to happen." He would say.
I can't even begin to fathom how many times over those 5-years did I look up
into the night sky for our stars. I often cried when I though about the
possibility of Danny looking at them at the same moment from where ever he was
at the time. Did they offer him any comfort or had he figured that I had
forgotten about them? - There where no nights worse then those nights when I
needed to see them so badly, but couldn't find them becuase it was too cloudy or
because the moon was too bright.
For a long time those fucking stars where my only connection to Danny,
especially once Jimmy and Gil began to entertain the possibility of us never
seeing him again. I was never quite there! - I didn't when I would see Danny
again, but I knew that I would not leave this earth without saying goodbye and
reminding him that I loved him. I had accumulated a shoebox full of letters
for him to read someday should I die suddenly or unexpectedly, but they became
kindle for the fire shortly after we saw each other at Jimmy's house. I've spent
the years since then reciting the contense of my letters to him in our bed at
night strictly from memory.
Danny has shared the darkest moments of his life during those 5-years and the
one thing that hit me the hardest was him saying that he never contacted my
parents because of how sure he was that I hated him. It was almost infueriating
to hear him say that because I could not think of a single thing that I had ever
said or done that would lead him to beleive that I could ever hate him.
Then one day Jimmy called. "Hey, it's me" He said sadly. "You and Danny need to
make time to come and see Gil and you need to do it soon." He said. I handed
Danny the phone and went into our bathroom to cry until he could join me. In a
instant, all of the bullshit that we had been through was miniscual. Our friend
was dying, we were losing Gilbert and there was nothing that could be done about
it. All of the foolish dreams, the childish hopes, and every fucking star in the
sky couldn't stop this or even offer an ioda of comfort! - Danny and I where
there at Gilbert's side when he left and I'll never forget it.
"I have to now guys, k?" Gil said in that childish why that he's always spoken
in. It was like he was asking for our permission and when we said that it was
okay, he left. Just like that! - No gasping! - No shaking! - No nothing! - He
just fucking left!- He emptied his lungs, closed his eyes and died right there
on a hospital bed in the middle of Jimmy's fucking living room. Why didn't we
say "No Gilbert! - Not yet! - Stay with us just a little longer, please! - Just
a little while longer and then you can go, we promise." I can hear his answer.
"K guys! - Just a little while, but then I gotta go, K?" He would've said like
he had to be in heaven before the fucking street lights came on. But that was
Gilbert's charm and in a way, it kept us young as we grew older. He made it okay
to be 20-somthing and still have foolish dreams, to hold onto childish hopes,
and to even stop from time to time and wish upon a star when times got tough.
Gilbert made everything okay, even dying...
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