Sunshine and Roses

The only thing Lowry could do was teach. He was lucky that the old abbot had recommended him when Sir Guy Hugh rode in that day. Sir Guy had two children, a boy and a girl, and wanted someone gentle, someone intelligent, someone who could be trusted, to teach and care for them. What better teacher and protector than a monk?
Lowry liked the children well enough though Cedric was constantly asking him about sexual matters. Cedric was eleven and beginning to notice women. The boy seemed fascinated that Lowry knew little more than the barest biological facts, that he seemed embarrassed every time the questions were asked.
Though he was busy, night and day, Lowry was lonely. He wanted to go back home, back to his own room, his own bed, but mostly, he wanted to see Justin again. He had admitted, finally, that he was attracted to William Justin. It was a fact of life. All the scourging, all the privation he had forced himself to undergo back at the monastery, all the pryesr and the talks with his confessor, had not erased what he felt. Lowry did not understand why he was the way he was, but pretending it was not a part of his life was lying, an equal sin in his eyes.
"Who is that man?" Mary asked, pointing to a distant glade.
"It is not. . ." Lowry froze. He felt the blood drain from his face. William Justin waited silently there on his black horse, watching them. Lowry collected himself and finished, "It is not polite to point, Mary."
"But if I do not point, Brother Raymond, then how will you know which direction to look?"
"Who is it?" Cedric asked, throwing a rock up into the trees.
"That is Sir William."
"Why is he simply sitting there?" Mary asked. "Why doesn't he come down? Is he hurt?"
"Is he a robber?" Cedric inquired. He picked up a large rock. "If he comes close, I shall throw this at him."
"He is not a robber, Sir Cedric. Perhaps he is trying to decide if this is the right place. Come, let us go inform your father he may have a visitor." Lowry tugged at their arms. He needed to get away from those eyes. They made his body tingle.
"How did you know who it was?" Mary quizzed as she skipped by Lowry's side.
"I lived in his castle for a while."
"Why?" She stopped to watch a butterfly.
"We must go in now." Lowry opened the door and ushered them inside. Maybe she would forget her question.
"Why do butterflies have wings and we do not?" she asked.
"Because that is what God chose to do."
Cedric snorted. "Oh, you always say that! If you do not know, just say you do not."
"They have wings so they can fly. They help pollinate flora by transferring pollen from one plant to another. In order to do this, they need to fly."
"Why?" Six year old Mary wanted to know.
"It would take too long if they simply walked or crawled." Lowry's eyes challenged the young boy. Cedric grinned in acknowledgement.
"I wish I could fly." Mary sighed. "I wish I had wings like a butterfly, bright yellow ones I think." Her blue eyes grew dreamy.
"It is close to tea time. Go upstairs and clean up. I need to see your father." When the children left him, Lowry went in search of Sir Guy. He found him in his den, going over accounts. "May I see you a moment?"
"Is it about the children?"
"Nay, Sir. We saw a rider on the hill, a Sir William. I believe it is possible he will be coming to see you and I simply wanted to let you know."
"Thank you." He studied the other man. "Are you happy here Brother Raymond?"
"Yes, Sir Guy." He thought, <Sometimes.>
"The children like you though Cedric complains that you cannot answer his questions about women." Sir Guy laughed.
"I am able to answer general biological questions but they do not seem to satisfy him."
"I'll see to that part of his education. I have told him to come to me when one of those questions comes to his mind, providing, of course, that they do not interfere in any plans you might have."
Lowry's cheeks turned a mild pink. "Thank you."
"I like the way you handle my children. If anything ever makes you unhappy here, come to me immediately. I have no wish to loose your services."
"Thank you, Sir Guy, I will."
Lowry went upstairs. His emotions were in a upheaval. Justin had found him. Had he looked for him, or had it been a coinci-dence? Lowry laughed at himself. Of course it had been a happenstance. Why in the world would William Justin seek him out? Disappointment pierced Lowry's usual calm being before reality hit and he realized, truthfully, that even if Justin had deliberately sought him out, nothing would come from it.
<Expect pain, > Lowry thought as he reached the top of the stairs. Part of him wanted to experience love with William Justin but his upbringing stood in the way. He yearned to feel Justin's hands on him as they had been on Sean. Lowry's attention focused on his anus. What would it feel like having Justin thrusting within him? Would he moan like Sean had? He imagined himself stripping in front of the other man. He imagined Justin's eyes on him. His shaft began to awaken.
Mary appeared in her doorway. "Are you all right, Brother Raymond? Your face looks strange."
Flushing darkly, Lowry stammered, "Yes."
"Did Papa shout at you?"
"Nay." He took her hand. "Let us see if Bridget has brought in the tea yet."
The dimples appeared in the girl's cheeks. "Oh, she has! Biscuits, ever so large, Brother Raymond, and strawberry jam! I saw her pass with the tray!"
"Has Cedric gone into the school room yet?"
"Oh, yes. He followed Bridget in." She stopped and looked up at the tall, slim man. "Your face was ever so red. Did Papa shout at you?"
"Nay."
"Then why was your cheeks so rosy? Do you have fever?"
Bridget came from the school room baring an empty tray. "Now see you eat well, young Mary, " the plump woman said, shaking her finger at the girl.
"I will, " the child promised solemnly. She hurried in.
"Brother Raymond, tea is ready below as well. Will you be joining us today?"
"Yes, thank you. I will make sure the children have settled in and then I will come right down." The woman, pleased, nodded and plodded downstairs. Inside the school room, the children were busy munching, sipping tea. "Is everything all right?"
Mary nodded, happy with what she had on her plate. Clearing his throat by taking a huge swallow of tea, Cedric asked, "May we go to the meadow this afternoon for art, Brother Raymond? I would like to finish the painting I began yesterday."
"Yes. If either of you need anything, I will be having tea downstairs with the others." The youngsters nodded and Lowry left.
There was a fire burning in the servants' hall. Even in summer, those stone walls made the room cold. They had accepted Ray Lowry as one of them though none of them teased him as they did each other. Holmes, the butler, set a cup of steaming tea before Lowry as the monk sat down. Bridget set a plate of scones on the huge, rough, wooden table. 
The talk went on around him, sometimes including him. They all liked him. Lowry grew uncomfortable with Bridget's eyes constantly upon him. She had a crush on him. He was flattered but nothing could come of it. Even if he had not been a monk, there was still his feelings for Justin. He liked her a lot. Bridget was a sweet, gentle, lovable woman, and he hoped he never hurt her, never embarrassed her.
It was with relief when he was able to escape from the room without causing any hard feelings.
Cedric already had his painting equipment ready. He was impatient. His eyes brightened at the sight of his tutor. Beside him, Mary sang to a rag doll. She smiled cheerfully as Lowry entered the room. Lowry took his own painting box from his tiny, austere room and they went out. His art supplies was the only thing he had ever splurged on. His small salary had given him the one thing he had ever wanted: The chance to create beauty. After handing Mary over to Bridget's tender care, Cedric and Lowry left Sir Guy's home.

The boy glared at his painting. "I cannot get it right! I do not understand why I cannot do it!"
"Let me see." Lowry moved to the boy's canvass. "Which section are you working on?"
"The stables. See?" He motioned toward the real building which was just visible behind the main house. "I can just see it and I want to put it in but it never looks right! What am I doing incorrectly, Brother Lowry?"
"You are using the wrong end of the brush."
Cedric's expression was comical. It clearly revealed his inner thought, <Is this monk mad?>
Lowry partially smiled. He searched through the boy's brushes, did not find what he wanted, and drew one from his own small bundle. The handle had been reshaped by Lowry into a thin wedge. The point was not quite sharp but as close to it as he could make. "Your bristles are too limber. What can be seen of the stable is so thin, the normal way of painting will not work. Here, try this."
The boy carefully scraped off the incorrect paint he had just put on and used the handle of Lowry's hand made tool and with tongue sticking out from the corner of his mouth, meticulously put in the corner of the barn. When he was finished, Cedric stared at the finished section in awe. "Thank you!" His eyes glowed with happiness. "How did you know?"
"I like painting." 
"I am glad Father chose you to be our tutor, " Cedric said later on their way home.
Lowry chuckled. "You did not think so the first time you saw me."
"You looked very sad, Brother Raymond." 
"Oh."
"May I ask you a personal question? I know it is impolite to do so and if you choose not to answer, I will understand." When Lowry nodded, Cedric asked, a bit hesitantly, "Is it true you've never touched a woman?"
"Yes."
"I do not think I would like to live my life without the softness of a woman beneath me when I lie down at night. What made you choose to enter the monastery?"
"I have always wanted to become a monk."
"Always?"
"Yes." They entered the boy's home. 
"Is it true you lived in a castle?"
"Yes."
"I would like to live in a castle."
"It is very cold, very drafty."
"Was your castle haunted?"
"Nay." <Not by ghosts at least. The things Sir Richard did, the way he lived, that was what plagued it.>
"Brother Raymond, were you ever attracted to a woman?"
"Nay." That was honest enough: Justin was not a female.
"I do not understand it."
"Many people find it difficult to grasp."

Lowry had a free afternoon the next day. Sir Guy had taken his children to a neighbor's birthday party. The young monk, taking advantage of a warm day, had gone into the woods to paint. He was engrossed with catching the way the sunlight struck the periwinkles and did not hear the footsteps behind him, or perhaps, Justin's talent for not being heard had not vanished. When Lowry took a step backwards to gaze at what he had done with judicious eyes, Justin said, "I think it is quite beautiful." Lowry whirled, mildly alarmed. His brush dropped. Justin bent to retrieve it. "I did not mean to frighten you, Ray. Or should I call you Brother Raymond now?"
"Brother Raymond, " came the reply. Lowry's voice was a little breathless.
"You are quite good. I can actually see the sunlight. How did you do that?"
"I made a special media. It holds whatever color I add to it but remains clear." He flushed at Justin's look of pride. He recalled, quite vividly, how Justin looked with Sean, and grew uncomfortable.
"You have lost weight, " Justin said. There was worry in his tone.
"I am healthy."
Justin waited but the other man remained mute. "I know you saw me with Sean, " he said in a strained voice. He paused but again, Lowry said nothing. The only sign he gave that he had heard was the tightening of his back muscles. "I would not have you hate me. I like copulating with men, but I am not. . .unique. There are many men such as I am. I will not apologize for being this way. I am who I am. Ray. . .Brother Raymond. . .?" When he touched the other man's arm, Lowry flinched as though he had been burned. Pain twisted Justin's features. "I see, " he managed to say in an odd voice. He took three steps away, hesitated, and then turned. The expression he saw on Lowry's face tore at his heart. "Do you find me that repulsive then?" 
Lowry's countenance altered, changed to uncertainty then to yearning. Justin's features showed his sudden understanding. They softened, grew tender, loving. "Ray?" He moved back to the other man, cupped his face. Lowry grew taut, strained. "God, you are so beautiful." He brushed his fingers lightly over the confused, disconcerted face. He touched his mouth lightly, briefly against the other man's lips. "Ray, " he murmured in love. He placed his hand behind the other's head, held him close and allowed his lips to linger against Lowry's startled ones. They grew hard, demanding. For one brief moment, Lowry responded willingly, then, choking back a sob, he broke away. Leaving his things there in the glade, he hurried toward Sir Guy's home.
"You cannot run from the truth. . .Brother Raymond. Did not the church teach you that?" Justin called after the other man.
Lowry spent the whole evening, the entire night, prostrate, praying. There was no comfort in his entreaty.