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Over the next few weeks Sean's demeanor changed. He became unapproachable. Not
hearing from Randy tore at him. He became unbearable to be around. His family
questioned him. His parents searched his stuff for signs of drugs. They had
other family and some friends keep an eye on him. There were no signs of drugs,
alcohol, anything. Sean wasn't doing very well masking his feelings.
One cool, cloudy morning Sean's dad approached him early in the morning. "Son,
what's going on? You're not the same. We're all deeply concerned for you." Sean
stared blankly at his father. He struggled to find a suitable excuse. He paused,
fighting hard for an excuse.
He knew he'd given himself away but Sean wasn't going to open up now. It wasn't
the time. There was still much uncertainty. "Dad," he began. "I'm over stressed
from school. I guess I just need time to readjust to not having to go in one
hundred directions. I know I've been impossible lately."
His dad wasn't entirely sure he bought his son's story. It seemed to hold water.
Rather than risk driving his son further away, he accepted the story for what it
was. He hugged his son and let him know he could talk to him at any time he
needed.
A few more days passed. Sean was more careful to keep hidden his deepest
feelings. He put up some walls and carried on with his facade. It seemed
difficult to convince people at first. Soon it became like second nature. The
facade became easier. He faked his happiness. He'd be more social. All the while
he harbored a deep secret. He tried hard to bury his pain.
The young man realized, Randy meant a lot to him and not knowing where things
stood and how the other felt was a lot to harbor. Sean went out when the family
bought their Christmas tree. He attended some school Christmas plays his younger
cousins and siblings were in. He went along with some old school friends to see
some local Christmas displays. At night he lay in bed tossing, turning, crying,
working himself into a sweat trying to settle down. He began popping pills to
sleep. Luckily no one caught on.
Early December he found himself home alone for a day. The silence was deafening.
The lack of sound seemed to follow him all throughout the house. It almost felt
as though it stalked him. He began experiencing feelings of paranoia.
"I can't take this", he screamed! "I'm gunna fuckin' end it now!" He made his
way downstairs into the basement, went to his dad's stuff, grabbed some rope and
was going to hang himself from the beams down there. He was beside himself. He
felt as though he was going crazy.
He looped the rope around, made a noose, and got a chair. He climbed up and
slipped his face through the loop. Just then his cell phone rang. "Fuck. I can't
even kill myself in peace." He wrestled with not answering it. But then he
feared someone might come home and save him before he had a chance to die. He
stomped up the stairs, grabbed the phone and answered in a harsh tone, failing
to read his caller ID.
"Whoa, cuz. Calm down man. What's wrong?" It was Jesse. Fate had intervened.
Sean went dead quiet. Jesse sensed things were not well. "Hey...talk to me."
Nothing.
Finally when Jesse had changed his voice to sound more like a father Sean
answered, trying poorly to mask his mood. "What?"
"Don't you what me. What the hell is going on? And don't hand me that nothing
shit. I don't buy it for a minute. What the fuck's going on there?" Silence.
"Answer me damn it!" He did.
"Why? So I'll tell you and you'll nag me to death? Its not worth it." Silence on
his cousin's end.
Jesse read between the lines. The word death caused something to click. "Sean,
just go clean up the stuff and yourself. I'll be there in ten minutes. We're
going out tonight. Pack some stuff to stay over. I'm off all weekend, got a
three day weekend. You're hanging out with me this weekend until we put a spin
on this."
Sean didn't want this but wasn't about to fight it. He knew his cousin could go
behind his back and reveal everything. He grunted an acceptance to the offer.
Jesse knew it was about as much as he was going to get from his cousin at this
point.
The weekend came and the two cousins talked, ate, watched movies, laughed, got
drunk. Jesse got his cousin to lighten up as best as he could. Shades of his
cousin before he left for college came through. They reminisced about times
growing up and trouble they'd gotten into. Jesse shared stories of other men
he'd been with and women as well. He was hoping his cousin would see there was
no sense getting tied to just one person, especially before knowing his true
sexuality. Let alone Randy's feelings.
The next week flew by. Sean's mood were noticeably calmer. Jesse checked in with
him daily. He'd come by as often as he could and get his cousin out amongst
others his age. Sean's parents became less concerned. The older cousin was
helping the younger one keep others from learning his younger cousin's secret.
Sean got a call early the next week. Jesse was going out of town in mid
December, a weekend business trip. Sean was given the green light to stay the
weekend. This was perfect. The day came, the two said their goodbyes and Sean
had the place to himself. All Friday night and into Saturday Sean paced, napped
when he could and stressed over Randy. It wasn't as severe as when he almost
killed himself, he'd gotten more control of his feelings. Still he thought, why
wasn't he trying to steal some time away? He was certain they were just fuck
buddies and Randy had moved on. He'd convinced himself of that by now.
The handsome young man made his way into the bathroom to pee. He had taken his
shirt off as he'd worked himself into a sweat. He looked in the mirror on the
wall behind the toilet. He starred at his body, recalling his appearance just a
few years back. He noticed how his cock hung from his body. He took notice how
well hung he was flaccid. He was trying desperately to give himself courage. He
was finding it, albeit in small amounts.
He made his way to get some food. Still not very hungry as he'd not been in
weeks. He poured himself a bowl of cereal. It wasn't much but it was something.
It tasted good, though his stomach argued back it didn't appreciate food
cramping the space. His nerves had taken up space in there and weren't too
pleased at sharing the space. Sean watched some TV, cared very little for most
anything he found to watch. Sleep was actually beginning to take hold of him. He
dozed for a bit and felt a bit better when he awoke.
Late Saturday evening Sean got online in boredom. He checked his school and
personal email address, he surfed the Net, found some free porn sites and tried
his best to occupy his mind. Just as he was ready to sign off he heard the
familiar sound of having email. His mind numb, he could care less who it was but
checked anyhow. The email address looked familiar. He opened the email quick as
he could.
Dear Sean,
I hope you're well. I want you to know, this time apart has been great. Its
given me a chance to put the proper spin on things. (Sean's heart began to
sink.) These weeks apart have been hell. I know my texts have been infrequent.
That's simple. It pained me too much to contact you. But the fear of hurting you
forced me to send them. Most times I was struggling to put out of my mind what
had gone on between us. I never thought I'd have the sex with another man, let
alone get so wrapped up in another man. I've kicked myself everyday since we
parted that I didn't have the guts to tell you then.
Its been a time of personal discovery for me these past few weeks. I miss you so
much. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions. I fought myself on my feelings.
How would I function as a gay man? Am I gay? Do I love you? It was endless. I
know now this can't continue. (Sean began to cry, the tears coming fast. His
breaths labored, he trembled and shook as he read on. His feelings had come to
the surface. He was even mentally preparing to fight to be with Randy.) I want
you to know, I love you. (The tears so strong now he could hardly see the
screen. He took a break to wipe his eyes.)
Sean got up, struggling to breathe. He waged a mental war with himself. He
didn't want to read the rest because it would confirm his worst fears but he
knew he owed it to himself at the very least. He wondered if he should call
Jesse for support. Maybe call Randy and plead with him to reconsider. He paced
furiously around his cousin's cozy apartment. The wind howled and blew the snow
feverishly at the windows. The fire in the fire place roared as the wind sang
its song through the chimney. Finally Sean convinced himself to read the letter
to the end. He sat down, got up, paced, went pee, grabbed some water. He sat
down. He got up. Finally he took a few breaths, tapped the mouse to clear the
screen saver and finished.
I can hardly wait until we're back at school so I can see you again. I
practically ache to hold you. To feel you near me. To smell your natural scent.
To drink you into my body. I've never felt this in love in my life. We'll worry
about the details later. I'll call later tonight at your cousin's place. I will
arrange to see you before we head back to school. I can't fathom being apart
until January. I need to see you at least once before we head back. We're only
about 4 hours apart. We can work something out. Merry Christmas.
All my best,
Love Randy.
Sean sat there tears gushing from his now-swollen eyes. I must've re-read the
letter five times allowing it sink in. He called Jesse, read it and read it yet
again. Jesse was happy it was going to work out and he fully supported his
cousin's chosen lifestyle. Finally all the pain, worry, stress and tension
melted away. Sean would find love it seemed.
Hey fans. Been ages since I posted here. Fire In The Firehouse ended where it
did. I lost interest. This isn't going to be a series. It was a story that I had
to tell. Hope you guys enjoy! Never know when I might return with something
fresh! The more feedback, the more ya might inspire me! Comments and emails
appreciated!
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